When Words Are Hard to Find (by MissJudy)

Summary:  Adam’s return from college has Ben saying and doing everything wrong, with no clue as to why he’s acting that way, yet unable to make any adjustments in his behavior to stop the building crisis. The tension in the house comes to a head as Adam is severely injured in a fall and Ben finds out that his son has made plans to leave the ranch and take a job as an engineer in San Francisco. As Adam’s condition unexpectedly worsens, Ben finds the right words to say, but fears it may be too late to make a difference. Paul Martin and Hop Sing play important roles in easing these two powerful Cartwrights back together.

Rated: K+  WC  9200

Story Notes:

This is a rewrite of a story I wrote a few years back at BW. The great part about coming to Bonanza Brand is that I am able to look at older stories and use new writing skills to make them come to life again. What a wonderful opportunity…and also a good chance to weed out those story bumps, lagging parts and grammar errors! Thanks so much for this opportunity!

***

When Words are Hard to Find

Chapter 1 – Homecomings and High-water Pants

 

Little Joe shoved a half piece of toast into his mouth and began chewing as he glanced toward the stairs. His eyes widened as he began laughing so hard that the soggy bread flew from his mouth landing on Hoss’ hands and plate.

 

Focusing an angry gaze on his younger brother, Hoss began to rise from his chair as Ben yelled, “Hoss, sit back down. There’ll be no violence at the breakfast table,” followed closely by, “Stop that giggling, Joseph. What is so funny?”

 

The youngest Cartwright had passed from his initial reaction to a full-out laughing jag as he choked out, “That!” pointing towards the steps. Ben and Hoss’ eyes trailed off in the direction Joe was pointing and joined in the laughing as they watched Adam continue down the steps and move to his place at the table.

 

With dead calm and a straight face, Adam declared, “Well that’s hardly the greeting I expected on my first day back to work on the ranch.” And then laughed too as he remembered his reflection in the bedroom mirror before coming down.

 

Ben gave thanks as he saw his oldest son take the chair across the table from him: a chair that had remained empty for far too long. “Well this confirms what I thought when you arrived yesterday. You seemed taller and thinner but I didn’t know how much until now. I honestly thought you’d put on a few pounds when you were working more mentally than physically at school.”

 

“I did at first, but I didn’t want to come home heavier and out of shape. Guess I knew I’d have a hard time getting used to the work on the ranch if I did, so I walked a lot and even rode at a friend’s estate to get my legs back under me. I didn’t realize how much I’d grown though until I put my old clothes on and this happened…” Adam stood, modeling the ankle high pants that threatened to plunge to the floor had he let go of the waistband, and shirtsleeves that barely made it to his wrists. “I think I’m at least 3 inches taller and even my boots are too small,” he laughed, raising his sock clad foot for emphasis.

 

Hop Sing had entered to lay a place setting when he’d heard Adam’s voice, and was glowing with happiness at the return of the oldest son. “What you like for breakfast?” After eying the ill-fitting clothes, he added, “You skinny. They not feed you at expensive school?” He laughed, “You need new clothes. Look like 10 pound potatoes stuck in 5 pound sack.”

 

“I’ll have whatever these three had, Hop Sing, and thanks again for that wonderful party last night.” Adam flicked a remaining lump of Joe’s toast from the tablecloth, “Amazing as it seems, I have actually missed these sophisticated meals with the Cartwright boys at the Ponderosa.”

 

With breakfast completed, Ben ordered, “Adam, change into different clothes and we’ll all ride into town and get you some new things. I know there’re people who couldn’t come out last night that are anxious to see you again.” As Adam headed upstairs, Ben directed his attention to the other boys. “You two get outside and make sure all our horses are saddled and ready to go.”

 

Hoss and Joe rushed for the door, nearly tripping each other in the process. They both knew that when Pa gave the order to saddle up for town, they didn’t wait around for him to change his mind.
Chapter 2 – Fathers and Sons

 

Over the next weeks Adam reconnected with his brothers who seemed happier to have him back than mad at him anymore for being away so long and figured their acceptance had much to do with splitting chores three ways instead of two. Joe had stayed his impish self with his pranks increasing in proportion to the number of his birthdays, while Hoss had changed from a boy into a man. During Adam’s absence, Hoss had made the decision that he wouldn’t go any further with school because he’d decided that his future was on the Ponderosa and he could learn everything he needed to know by doing it. Adam had known Inger for such a short time, but he did remember her being much like the brother he was getting to know again.

 

While he was having fun with his brothers, it was an entirely different story when it came to his father. The problems had started with small digs and verbal skirmishes, but were becoming far more persistent and unsettling.

 

The initial incident had occurred his second day back as Adam had reached over Ben’s shoulder, pointing to a series of numbers in the ranch journal his father was working on. “Pa, if you combine this group of figures with the other credits, it’s easier to get a quick bottom line for each transaction.”

 

In uncharacteristic fashion, Ben waved him away with a gruff rebuke. “The way I do my books is my business. I don’t need you to tell me how to do my job just yet.”

A similar scene was repeated at the hardware store in town when Adam had asked the owner if he carried a new metal block and tackle that was replacing wooden ones in timbering. When he’d replied that they did and asked if he and Ben would like to see it, his father had grumbled, “The ones we have are fine. Just because my son is aware of something new doesn’t mean we’ll need to change what we use”

 

Adam had countered, “I wasn’t saying that we needed them. I was only interested in knowing if they had made it out West yet and thought you’d want to see one. There’s no harm in looking.”

 

On the wagon ride home Ben had turned toward his son with a look as hard as stone. “Listen, Adam. I’m still your father and even though you’re obviously well-educated and aware of the newest things, I’d appreciate it if you’d not contradict me in front of my business associates.”

 

Adam had lived with his father long enough to know that when his face was set as it was, there was no defense or discussion allowed, and figured it better to just remain quiet and let the moment pass.

The verbal sparring matches were happening regularly with Adam walking away in confused frustration while Ben stood clenching his jaw and fists, not knowing what to say to ease the tension. Hoss and Little Joe knew that if one of these “conversations” were going on, they best stay clear of their father and oldest brother.

 

Hoss had a pretty good notion of what was happening and even tried once to help Adam understand. “I know it seems like Pa don’t want to listen to none-a-your good ideas, but I don’t think that’s really true. It just takes him a while to really hear what you said.”

 

Adam appreciated his brother’s insight and did know that in the past when his father might have seemed uninterested in an idea, he’d usually soften and begin to adjust to it as he mulled it over. But whatever was happening now was different than he’d ever experienced before. His father had never been shy about telling people that their thinking may not work for him, but he’d never known him to be defensive or to censure him as he’d been doing lately. At times he had the uneasy feeling that his father saw his ideas as offensive or that in sharing them, he was being duplicitous.
Chapter 3 – Mysteries and Missed Opportunities

 

The confrontations continued and deepened as Adam found himself spending more evenings away from home. He would have preferred it not be that way, but there was such uneasiness between him and his father that it was easier to vacate the ranch than sit in silence fearing that anything he’d say would start another argument.

 

Ben hadn’t been vocal about his son’s absence in the evenings, although he usually glared at him as he prepared to leave. But after four consecutive nights of being away, the man finally made his position known. “Are you going into town again tonight?” inquired Ben as he saw Adam grab his coat after dinner.

 

“Thought I might.”

 

“You spend an awful lot of time there, son, and I don’t approve of your trips on the evenings of a work week. You should stay here and get a good night’s rest.”

“I’m always home by midnight and I’m the first one up in the morning, so you can’t possibly think I’m not contributing as much as anyone else?”

 

“I don’t know what to think, Adam. You don’t tell me what you do in town and you seem to mope around until you leave, so you might as well go. You used to be more sensible before you got your expensive education.”

 

“Pa,” Adam began without knowing what to say. “Things change. I spent so many nights up studying in Boston that I just got used to sleeping less. And it’s so quiet out here compared to the city that it’s almost hard for me to drift off sometimes, even when I’m dead tired.”

 

Ben snapped, “So the Ponderosa isn’t exciting enough for you?”

 

“Aw, that’s not it at all.” Adam thought about turning around and going to his father, but finally stuck his hat on his head and resumed his exit. “I’m glad to be home. It’s just taking a little getting used to again. The city isn’t better than home, they’re just different.” With his hand on the front door’s latch, Adam turned once more to the chair where Ben was sitting. “Would you like me to stay home tonight? We could play chess or just talk.”

 

“Wouldn’t want to force you to endure the dull company out here,” Ben grumbled. “Just be home at a reasonable hour.”

Adam didn’t go to town, preferring to ride the moonlit trails near the ranch and think through his options. It was early when he returned and headed inside.

 

Ben was still downstairs reading, although he’d been retracing the same sentences as he tried without success to focus. “You’re back early,” he noted as Adam came through the door. “Virginia City not exciting enough for you either?” He hated what he was saying even as the words left his mouth; a condition he was feeling often.

“Just have something I need to do yet tonight.” He barely glanced toward his father as he headed up the steps to his room. Once there, he sorted through the papers on his desk and placed a number of books into a travel case. With his room in order, he sat at his desk and began to write: Dear Pa…

 

It was after two in the morning when he finally turned his lamp down and laid across his bed, wondering if he was doing the right thing.

 

In Ben’s room, a restless father tossed and turned; trying to find Adam in the fog he was walking through. He couldn’t understand why he felt so lost in embracing his son’s return. The years away hadn’t changed the boy: not really. He was still as thoughtful, caring and engaging as he’d always been. But whenever he brought up an idea or suggested a different method or concept, Ben bristled. It had gotten so bad, that he didn’t even listen—just shut his mind down and reacted with anger or disdain. Why? He’d asked himself that again and again without finding the answer, and knew the situation with his son was worsening by the day with no clue how to make it better.

 

The following morning, all four Cartwrights were seated at breakfast when Adam broke the silence. “Pa, I think that if we would move about ten of the men working the south slope farther west for the remainder of the week, we’d get more timber cut while the rest of the crew could clear out what’s already down. The cutters and clearers will be tripping over each other the way we have them positioned now…”

 

Ben stopped listening as soon as Adam said, ‘I think’ and a fierce foreboding look crossed his face as Adam had continued to explain his views. Ben stood in one fierce, fluid effort, throwing his napkin on the table as he looked squarely at his oldest son. “I don’t know why you think you need to reinvent the wheel every time we begin a new project. Things were just fine while you were away, and you need to understand that I am still in charge of this ranch…and this family.” He walked away without a look back, heading to his room where he sat on the edge of the bed cradling his head in his hands; knowing he had just crossed a line with no hint of how to step back over it again.

 

Little Joe and Hoss had watched in frozen terror as their father had spoken, and stared at their brother in disbelief once Ben was gone.

 

“It’s okay, guys.” Adam soothed. “You know Pa always gets a little tense when there’s a big job on the line.”

 

The two younger boys relaxed. “Hey, Adam,” offered Hoss. “How’s about we all head over to the fishin’ hole on Sunday and drop a worm in the water or go swimmin?”

“Sounds like a good idea. We can head out after church.” What Adam didn’t say, was that it might be a very good idea to spend some time together before it was too late.

 

Joe released a deep sigh as the tension in the room broke and the promise of a fun day in the near future took shape. “I’ll tell Pa,” he shouted back while running up the steps to find his father.
Chapter 4 – The Final Straw

 

The week ground slowly by until the Cartwrights finally found themselves sitting in a church service that seemed interminably long to Little Joe and Hoss, whose minds were already racing to the lake for some fun. At long last, Ben pulled the wagon into their yard and the two ran to the house to gather the needed items for the outing.

 

“Are you coming with us Pa?” Adam inquired as he helped get the team into the corral and took the harnesses into the barn.

 

“No, you three go on and have a good time. Just remember that tomorrow is a work day, so don’t stay out too late.”

 

Thinking his father had gone on to the house, Adam muttered, “How can I forget that it’s a work day. That’s all I ever hear around here. ‘Don’t suggest anything, just work.’ ‘Don’t think: work.’ ‘Go to bed so you can work in the…’” He spun around when he heard Ben draw a deep breath, knowing his father hadn’t left the barn after all, and surely had heard his litany.

 

“Did you expect that you would come home and simply begin to run things around here? To think of the small fortune I spent on your education only to have your newfound knowledge thrown in my face at every opportunity!”

 

“I’m sorry Pa. I didn’t mean it…” His profession was sincere, but his father had already turned and walked away.
Chapter 5 – A Good Day Gone Bad

 

After having their lunch and feeding worms to the fish, as Hoss called fishing without catching anything, the brothers slipped on old pants and swung into the water from the rope they’d tied on an overhanging branch. Worn out from the weeks of work and tension, Adam laid back on a flat, warm rock to dry off and soon fell asleep while Hoss and Joe tried again to catch some fish.

 

Having no more luck fishing than earlier, the two boys snuck up and pounced on their sleeping brother. Adam yelped as they landed, realizing his snooze had continued long enough to be taking home a reminder of the day in the form of a sunburn on his chest, arms and feet. He groaned as he contemplated the discomfort he’d be in over the next few days while the burn would go through the process of hurting to itching before finally beginning to heal. He also knew he wouldn’t be able to complain without eliciting a lecture from his father about his lack of forethought. With his skin so sensitive, he chose to forego redressing, riding shirtless and barefoot. As he rode, the early evening air cooled his heated skin and relieved the strain he’d soon face again over what he’d do or say to bring on the next confrontation.

 

Joe got out ahead of his brothers and pulled off the path, dismounted and ran up to a canyon overlook that he loved. “Hey Adam,” he called as he waved to his brothers. “Remember this place we used to come and watch the sunset and shootin stars?”

 

Adam waved back and called that he did remember.

 

“Let’s stay here until dark, okay?”

 

“Sorry kid, Pa’s expecting us home,” Adam called back. “Come on along. We’ve got to get going.”

 

But instead of coming, Joe shot farther into the canyon.

 

Reaching the point his brother had started from, Adam slid off his horse and hot-footed it over to the rock Joe had been standing on, to get a better look at where the he might have moved to. Hoss was soon behind him, shaking his head.

 

“Come on out little buddy. Adam’s right, Pa’s expecting us home.”

 

Joe heard, but remained hidden between two large boulders. He didn’t want to go home–not yet anyway. The day had been so much fun and he was in no mood to return to the tensions of the house.

 

“We better go find him,” Adam grumbled to Hoss as he began to turn. “Dang it,” He grabbed his foot and inspected the rapidly spreading blood trail coming from a cut. “These rocks are sharp!”

 

“You best go back and get your boots on before we head out to grab that little coyote.”

 

“Brilliant idea, Hoss,” Adam replied as he stepped down from the ledge to return to his horse. But in stepping, his bare foot connected with an area of scree that began to roll like marbles taking Adam along as they moved down an embankment.

 

Before Hoss knew what was happening, his older brother was disappearing over the edge of the path he had been standing on. He saw Adam grabbing at anything he could reach, but his descent continued until he tumbled into in a good sized bed of prickly pear cactus and creosote brush growing on a rubble crusted ledge about 50 feet down from where he started.

 

A distressed cry echoed in the canyon as Adam came to a stop. Joe left his hiding place and shimmied down the hill to see how badly Adam was hurt, as Hoss followed, grabbing Joe before he got tangled up in the same mess of brush and thorns his brother was in.

 

Hoss asked anxiously, “How ya doin Adam?”

 

“Been better,” he confessed truthfully. “Hoss, I’m gonna need some help here and you’ll need to ride for it.”

 

“Cain’t we help ya out?” Hoss hoped the answer would be yes.

 

“Listen,” Adam panted in pain as he spoke, “I’m in a heap of trouble here: covered in cactus spines and ripped up pretty bad from the fall, and you can’t help without getting into the same predicament.”

 

“But Adam,” whined Hoss, who didn’t want to leave his brother alone, especially when he saw the blood beginning to spread out from where he lay.

 

“Go! And take Joe with you. Bring back leather gloves and hides or those thick Indian blankets we’ve got in the house—anything that you can put over these cactus plants to get in here and help me get up. If I try to move, these needles are just going in deeper.”

 

“I want to stay with you,” cried Little Joe. “You shouldn’t be alone.”

 

“All right. But you can’t come any closer. Just stay where you are and talk to me.”

 

Hoss was already up the hill and mounted by the time Adam had agreed to let Little Joe stay, and once he knew he could leave, he rode for home like the devil was chasing him.

 

While waiting in the canyon, the youngster was true to his word, talking continuously and kept it up long after Adam had stopped responding. It seemed like he had talked forever before he heard horses and a wagon approaching. “They’re here Adam,” he breathed in relief, “You’ll be all right now.”

 

Ben was astounded at the sight of his son: tangled in creosote branches, and overlaid with bruises, cuts and cactus needles. There was blood everywhere—so much blood that Ben’s mouth went dry at the thought, his fear further driven by the fact that they couldn’t rouse him. In truth, that condition made it easier to extricate him without causing further pain, but Ben and the ranch hands who’d come to help, understood that there was no time to be wasted in getting Adam home to where Paul Martin should be waiting.
Chapter 6 – Bruised and Bloodied, But a Survivor

 

The father was pacing the hallway when Doc Marin finally exited Adam’s room. He’d been asked to leave so that the doctor could speak to Adam alone for a bit. “Well?” he snapped.

 

“He’ll be fine Ben. Thankfully there’re no broken bones. I stitched the deeper cuts, removed the cactus spines I could see, and applied so many bandages he resembles a mummy. But he’s also got a multitude of bad bruises and a mild sunburn so that mix of injuries and conditions will make him very uncomfortable for a few days.” Paul smiled as he reached for his friend’s shoulder. “There’s little doubt that he’ll remember this afternoon for some time.”

 

“Do you think he hit his head when he fell? I wondered at why he was out for so long.”

 

“Unfortunately for him, he came to just as I got to sewing him back together. The kid’s like his father though: tough. Thought he might break his teeth from gritting them so tightly as I worked.” He closed his eyes as he recalled how he’d told Adam to holler if the pain got bad, but the young man had uttered nothing but a low moan whenever he’d gone deep for a stitch. Looking at Ben again, he saw the impatience lodged on the man’s face and realized he hadn’t answered completely. “His head is fine. I think he must have passed out from pain and shock when it initially happened.”

 

When the doctor made no move away from Adam’s doorway, Ben’s annoyance flared as he reached behind him toward the doorknob. “Excuse me. I’d like to see my son now.”

 

Doc Martin intercepted the man’s hand, gently moving it away from the knob. “He’s had medication for pain and needs to rest now, so why don’t you and I go downstairs and spend a couple of minutes talking before I go.”

 

Ben reluctantly turned away from where he most wanted to be and headed downstairs, finding Hoss and Joe sound asleep in the chairs they’d been holding vigil in. They were grateful to hear that their brother was going to mend, and headed up to bed, leaving the two adults alone.

 

“So what do you need to talk to me about?” he asked matter-of-factly once his sons were out of earshot. “Is Adam’s condition more serious than you made it out to be?”

 

“How have things been going out here since Adam got home from school?”

 

Confused at the question, he first offered, “Fine.” But as he met Paul’s eyes, he knew his lie wasn’t fooling him for a minute. “Maybe not so fine. What makes you ask?”

 

“Oh, I see a look in Adam’s eyes—and yours as well.”

 

“What on earth does that mean?” Ben growled like a cornered animal.

 

“It means that I know what’s been going on in this house.”

 

“Has Adam complained to you?” The father’s expression moved from shock to anger at the thought that his son would take family problems outside their home.

 

“Of course not, Ben! But I know that look in his eyes. It tells me he’s so unhappy here that he’ll be leaving. He may not even want to, or know why it’s come to this, but he’ll know that he has to go.”

 

Ben reared back, feeling like he’d been slapped. He wanted to react: to lash out at this man who had no right to be insinuating himself into problems between him and his son, but finally asked with a barbed edge to his voice, “Just how do you know that’s what you’re seeing?

 

“I know because it’s the same look I saw staring at me in the mirror 20 years ago.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

Paul moved closer to his friend. “Let me tell you what’s been going on. There have been an increasing number of heated conversations. Adam suggests thing and you counter with phrases that tell him you’re in charge. He tries to show you new things and you dismiss him. Does this sound familiar? And, he spends a lot of time away from home.” He let that sink in for a moment and then asked, “Ben, how many times have you brought up the money you spent on his education since he’s been back?”

 

The father was visibly shaken, unable to answer.

 

Paul continued the explanation, “There’re a few things about me that you don’t know. My father was a doctor with a nice practice out East. I thought he was the finest man in the world, and did whatever I could to please him, including following in his footsteps to become a doctor. He promised that once I was ready, we’d have a practice together that would become the finest in the city—up on the newest techniques and treatments. After school, I returned home knowledgeable in those things we’d planned to implement, eager to work with him as we’d envisioned. But instead of being happy to have me back, he began to resent any idea I proposed, and became fearful that his patients would think him less acceptable when compared to me.”

 

The father’s scowl turned to a wry smile. “Sounds like something I might know a little about. What happened?”

 

“I tried to tough it out, thinking that if I worked hard enough things would improve. But the arguments, the implication that my suggestions were meant to question his authority, the admonishments that I had no right to have an opinion without putting in the years of work that he had—and most of all, the general tension—got to be too much. I put up with it as long as I could and then came West to practice on my own. I know that my father cared about me but he just couldn’t give me a chance.”

 

“Could anything have kept you from leaving?”

 

“He could have told me what was bothering him, or even that he knew things had gone awry and would try harder. He just couldn’t though. I guess it was easier to let me go than to find the right words that might have made me stay.”

 

“I’m sorry, Paul, but I must say that I’m glad you ended up out here. And I suppose that what you’ve just told me strikes a little close to home, but is there something more that makes you feel Adam is preparing to leave?”

 

“You know Adam spends a lot of time in town.”

 

“Yes, of course. We’ve ‘discussed’ that, but he doesn’t say where he goes. It’s not as though he drinks, because I’ve been up when he comes home and there’s no liquor on him.”

 

Paul indicated that Ben should sit. “When Adam comes to town, he spends the night in the back of the saloon. Folks are anxious to hear about his time in the East, and what he did and learned while he was away at school. Mac Davis heard about a water system Adam designed for a class and finally asked if he’d help him engineer one for his spread. He’s building it right now. Heck, Sam says he likes the nights Adam doesn’t come to town because when he’s there most people are in the back with him and forget to drink. What I figure is that your son is busting with good ideas and if he has to go to town to talk to strangers about them, then he has no one to talk to out here…or at least no one who wants to listen.”

 

“That’s not fair, Paul,” Ben countered. “I don’t have time to pay attention to everything he has to say. You know how busy this ranch keeps me.”

 

“I surely do, but that’s not why you aren’t listening to Adam. The real reason is something you have to figure out for yourself.” Doc Martin paused to let Ben think as he pulled a slip of paper from his pocket. “I shouldn’t be showing this to you, but I think you need to know.” Paul handed him the paper. “Adam asked me to take this to the telegraph office for him. I told him I couldn’t do it until Tuesday, so you have a day to work this out or I’ll do as he asked.”

 

Ben’s heart pounded as he read, “Frankie, will take job. Please confirm offer still current. Arrive San Francisco early November. Adam Cartwright.”

 

Paul rose to leave. “I know you don’t want this to happen, but you’ll have to figure out what to do about it. Adam is the finest young man in this territory and I think it will break you if he leaves.” Reclaiming the note, he added, “I’ll be back to check on him tomorrow afternoon and will know then what I need to do about the telegram.”

 

Once Paul was gone, Ben hurried up to Adam’s room, finding him covered in bandages as the doctor had promised, but resting comfortably. He leaned to stroke the boy’s forehead, finally resting his hand on his cheek. There was no movement, making him wonder if Paul had been correct in his appraisal that all would be fine. Deciding he’d stay in Adam’s room for the night, he looked around for Elizabeth’s Bible, finally lifting the top of Adam’s desk. His eyes were drawn to a sheet of paper with the heading, Dear Pa, resting under the book of scriptures he was looking for. Not wanting to snoop, he was still unable to close the desk and walk away, finally deciding that he needed to know what the letter said. He pulled it out, held it near the lamp and began to read.

Dear Pa,

It seems ridiculous to hand you a letter stating my intentions rather than talking to you directly, but our conversations have not gone well of late. When you finish reading this, you may say whatever you wish and I’ll listen without interruption.

 

You must agree that things are not right between us. I was nervous about coming home, knowing that life did not stand still in my absence. While I realized that Hoss and Little Joe might not want their older brother to resume his position in the family and that it would take some time to fit back into the pace of life out here, I never considered that you would be the one most changed.

 

I’m not sure the reason, but it’s become clear that you’re the one who least welcomes my return. I sense that you see my education as unwarranted and that I’m a great disappointment. You’ve implied that I came home expecting to take charge, but please believe that I had no such assumptions and figured we’d work together to find where I’d best fit into the operation. My intention was always to merit any increased responsibility you’d give me.

A friend from school has extended a job offer in San Francisco. He’s doing very well, and wants me to join him. In light of what is happening here, I’ve decided to leave as soon as the summer chores are finished, or sooner if you’d prefer.

 

I place no blame for what’s happened; time and distance alter many things. Even so, I suppose I could stay, try to recreate things as they were before I left and pretend that I’d be happy that way, but I’d come to resent it. I didn’t come home to take over, but the truth is that I am older and wiser, and in need of challenge and growth. It is for these reasons alone that I leave. You don’t want me here as I am, and I can’t stay if it means that I can’t be who I’ve become. I hope that someday you’ll forgive me this decision and the disappointment I’ve caused you. I can’t ever repay all you’ve done for me. All I can do is try to become the man you are.

 

Grasping the unsigned letter, Ben sat on the edge of Adam’s bed whispering in agony only a father can feel, “How could I let this happen?”

 

Adam stirred and opened his eyes. “Pa, Is something wrong?”

 

Ben remained silent, head bowed while his jaw clenched as tightly as he crushed the letter until he shuddered with a sigh.

 

“Pa?”

 

Ben composed himself and turned toward Adam showing him the crumpled wad of paper. “How can you think I want you to leave?”

 

Feeling mildly sick from the sedative and suddenly very anxious at the situation, Adam pushed stiffly to a sitting position. “I don’t want to leave, but you’re so unhappy with me that I thought it best. I’m sorry you found that letter before I could give it to you, but you have to know that I wouldn’t have left before doing so, and listening what you had to say. I’d never act that cowardly.”

 

“I’m not upset about the letter; I’m upset because you felt you had to write it. I’ve looked forward to you coming home since the day you left and then when you did, I just worried.”

 

“Worried?” The son’s expression was puzzled.

 

“Yes, worried. I thought that after being with professors and scholars you would dismiss me as unimportant. I was afraid you’d realize that I’m not as smart as you thought I was when you were younger, and I would become unnecessary or a fool you humored with your presence from time to time. Because of my fears, I used everything you said as proof that those assumptions were correct. I knew I was wrong every single time I was short with you or criticized your thoughts, yet felt powerless to be any different.” He raised his eyes to meet his son’s and smiled sadly, “But part of me thought that I was hiding it so well that you didn’t notice.”

 

Adam choked on a painful laugh. “Pa, you’re the smartest man I’ve ever known. Those professors you refer to do know a lot, but all they do is talk. They all stay put in their classrooms telling people how to do things, but never do them. You’ve done things they’d never think of trying, and took me along with you! I had teachers who couldn’t believe the life I’ve had or that I was related to you. I’m not sure how information gets to where it does, but many people back East had heard of you and the Ponderosa. Being your son took a lot of living up to.”

 

The young man groaned audibly as he moved and then chuckled softly. “Who’d have thought that a simple day of swimming and rolling down a hill would end up hurting so much?” He eased his back farther up the headboard in an attempt to get more comfortable. “Getting back to what we were talking about and in the spirit of confession, I think that when I got home I wanted to prove that I’d learned as much as possible so that you’d be proud of me…and I got pushy about my ideas.”

 

Ben gently grasped his son’s shoulders. “This is entirely my fault, and I don’t say this enough: I have never known a day when I wasn’t proud of you. You’ve always amazed me and continue to do so. The way I’ve behaved isn’t who I want to be, but I’m not used to my children getting smarter while I don’t.”  Ben chuckled wryly, “And it seems to be happening more every day.”
Chapter 7 – When the Best Moments Go Bad

 

Adam was still considering his father’s comment when he sat forward mumbling, “Pa, I don’t feel….” His body went limp, falling forward into Ben’s arms.

 

“Adam?”

 

When he didn’t respond Ben laid him back onto his pillow, staring at the inexplicably pale young man who was suddenly sweating and breathing rapidly as his eyes rolled back into blankness. “Adam? Adam!” Ben shouted as he gently shook his shoulders. “What’s happening?” Ben raged at no one in particular as he now focused on the fresh blood seeping through the bandages where he’d just had his hands. Folding the covers back, he stared at the rapidly pinking bindings that had been white only minutes before. Hearing Hop Sing downstairs, he shouted to him.

 

Out of breath from running up the steps, Hop Sing appeared in the doorway, “Why you shout?” But as he spoke, he saw the panic in Ben’s eyes and the lifeless body of the Cartwright son. “I go bring doctor back. You no worry, son be fine. You see.”

 

Ben accompanied Hop Sing to the kitchen where he began to gather warm water and more bandages to reinforce the ones that were becoming soaked with fresh blood. “Hurry Hop Sing. Something is going terribly wrong…”

 

“I ride fast while pray. You go, stay with son; pray too.” Hop Sing was out the door as his words hovered in hope.

 

By the time Ben had collected the needed supplies and was returning to Adam, Hoss and Little Joe were coming down the steps, both looking upset and angry. “What’s going on?” screamed Joe as he waved the letter from Adam that Ben had dropped by the bed. “Why are you making Adam leave? How can you do this when he just got back? And what’s wrong with him, Pa? He’s bleeding everywhere! Is he dying?”

 

Ben laid the supplies on the table in front of the fireplace and held his youngest boy. “Joseph, calm down. Adam has taken a turn for the worse and I’m not sure why, and he isn’t leaving. He’s just confused right now but we’ll work it all out when he’s better.”

 

Little Joe slumped in Ben’s arms as he sobbed, “Please don’t let him go away again!”

 

Hoss was still standing on the steps looking pale and frightened. Ben ordered, “Come here Hoss,” and he walked over to sit with his brother while his father paced in front of them.

 

“Boys, I will do whatever I can to help Adam through this, but I can’t tend to him and you two at the same time. So I need you to help me out. Can you do that?”

 

Both heads nodded.

 

“Good. Hoss, I’ll need you to hold the lamp over the bed so I can see what I’m doing and Joseph, you will do any running that I need. Got it?”

 

“Yes, Pa,” promised Hoss while Joe indicated his agreement by nodding again.

 

The two pitched in as Ben tended to their brother. Hoss held the lamp and helped turn Adam to reinforce bandages and applied pressure where the bleeding was the worst while Joe ran up and down the stairs fetching more bandages and fresh water. Minutes passed like hours as they worked together until they finally heard the sound of the front door latch followed by footsteps on the stairs.

 

Paul Martin stopped in the doorway, surveying the scene before him. Shocked at the upheaval in the room, the blood that was everywhere and the very pale patient, he muttered, “What in heaven’s name happened?”

 

“Well doctor, we were hoping you could tell us,” Ben’s fear and fatigue were evidenced by his sardonic tone.

 

“Start from the beginning; tell me what happened.”

 

Ben sighed, “There’s not much to tell. Adam woke briefly, we talked and suddenly he just…this.” He indicated the mayhem around him.

 

Paul began his examination while Ben was speaking, and soon gave his opinion. “I think he’s gone into a septic shock.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“His body is confused; it’s going to war against itself.”

 

Ben stared dumbfounded, “A few hours ago you said everything would be fine. What went wrong?”

 

Paul tried to explain, “He did seem fine, but it could be that he’s reacting to a poison in the cactus spines, or some toxin could have worked into the cuts: maybe something in the dirt. Or it could even be a bite that he got during the day, and that’s not even considering his sunburn.”

 

“I don’t understand all these possibilities. Tell me what’s happening in simple terms”

 

“There’s no science yet that adequately explains what’s happening, but something went askew even as he appeared to be fine. Adam was exposed to something or it might be a combination of the fall, the cactus needles and the sunburn that put his body into a defensive posture. Sometimes a person’s system just goes off-kilter. Right now it’s overreacting to what he’s gone through. He was seriously hurt, but not enough to account for what’s happening now. His blood isn’t clotting, and that can’t go on without doing some damage. You must have felt his heart racing, and can see him struggling to breathe. I don’t know how much you want to hear right now, but here’s the truth: the longer this goes on, the more likely that his body will shut down, organ by organ, until finally his brain and heart stop.”

 

“Paul,” Ben was shaken, “Paul, how long? How long before we know whether this is going to pass or we start to see signs that it …won’t?”

 

“I don’t know. But…”

 

“But what?” No one breathed as they waited for an answer.

 

“But there’s nothing we can really do.”

 

Ben snapped into action. “I can’t accept that. We have to do something!”

 

“Well, we keep doing what you started: stop the bleeding, give him fluids if we can, keep him warm and comfortable, and pray.”

 

“Let’s get going,” Ben ordered the younger brothers to bed, knowing they wouldn’t sleep, but now needing them out from underfoot. Hop sing joined Paul and Ben as they removed the soaked bandages and started over. Once that was done, they bundled him in blankets until he seemed as comfortable as possible. Ben sat beside him to wipe the perspiration from his face, then found his son’s hand under the covers to hold onto.

 

When Paul and the cook left the room for a break, Ben knelt on the floor where he could be at ear level to speak what had remained unsaid earlier. “Adam, please stay. I’ll listen more and holler less. I won’t dismiss your ideas without explaining my rationale and giving you a chance for rebuttal. And when your thoughts do make sense, we’ll give them a try. Your idea about moving the men around to get more timber down last week was brilliant. I was just embarrassed that I hadn’t thought of it myself and feared you’d realize I was getting old and addled. Forgive me for not trusting you. I think if there was a wrong thing to say at any point since you’ve been back, I’ve said it.”

 

Ben brought Adam’s hand to his cheek and remained at his side, listening to the rasp of his breath.

***

 

Hoss had taken Little Joe to his room but since neither of them could sleep, they laid on his bed talking. “Hoss? Is Adam gonna die?” questioned the nervous voice next to him in the dark.

 

“Nah, Little Joe. He’s gonna be just fine. You’ll see,” Hoss reassured his little brother with more bravado than he felt.

 

“Then if he’s okay, do you think he’s gonna leave again?”

 

The burly 17-year-old reached in the dark and gave his 11-year-old brother a punch in the shoulder. “Well, Joe, we just won’t let that happen, will we?”
Chapter 8 – A New Day

 

Ben longed for dawn. Things always seemed better in the morning and he expected that Adam would awaken from his stupor as the sun lit his room. Yet the sun rose and coursed across the sky while Paul Martin and Ben kept vigil in a room that remained still except for the labored breathing of the young man in the bed.

 

The rest of the Ponderosa remained quiet as well. Little Joe and Hoss did chores to keep their minds off the situation in the house, while Hop Sing cooked meals that no one really wanted to eat.

 

Day passed into night again with the only change being that Adam seemed to rest more comfortably. As the two weary men took a break, Ben felt confident enough to ask, “Paul, is he going to make it?”

 

The doctor shrugged. “We don’t know what damage was done: whether there was internal bleeding too or if his organs were damaged by the toxins that caused the other symptoms we could see.”

 

“I’d expect you tell me the truth, but you might have made it sound a little more optimistic.” Ben broke into a grin. “Whatever happens, thank you for your help. I would’ve had a hard time getting through this without you.”  After a few moments, he added, “I’ve appreciated your help with…everything. Before things went bad, Adam and I had time to speak, and…”

 

“And?” Paul pushed impatiently.

 

“I’m not sure whether he’ll leave or stay, but we were able to talk about it.”

 

“That’s good, Ben.”

 

Hop Sing brought a tray of food, ordering, “You men eat. Does no good if father and doctor get sick. Then you rest. I sit with missah Adam.” With his order issued, he climbed the steps, giving a quick look back from the top to make sure his charges below were being obedient. To his relief they were both already sipping coffee and chewing on sandwiches.

 

Seeing the pale, lifeless face of the child he’d helped to raise, Hop Sing’s heart fell. He sat and leaned in to speak softly, “You get well. Father and brothers need you,” and after a pause, added, “I miss you when gone. House and family not same without you. You get better, fix things with father. Be happy again.” The man’s title was cook, but he knew he was much more to this family. He recalled his time watching over the growing boys, fixing their scrapes, and protecting them from their father’s anger at times. He had a special relationship with each son. Hoss snuck food and loved to watch him cook, excited to taste each new dish. Little Joe was full of life and plans, but impulsive—the one with the most injuries to body and heart. But Adam was the one who talked to him: not about meals, or fights and bruises, but about life. He often used Hop Sing as a sounding board and was probably the first to hear that Adam wanted to leave the ranch to attend school in the East. He knew there’d be fireworks but had encouraged him to trust his father. He’d felt the same emptiness at Adam’s leaving, and the same joy at his returning as the family had, and shared equal pride in the man that this boy had become. He felt the pain in the house now from both father and son and didn’t know how to help, choosing instead to remain loyal to both men and let them work it out. Of course he’d sent the occasional sharp look to Ben when he’d heard him lecturing his son with that “special tone.”

 

Deep in thought, Hop Sing didn’t notice the flutter of eyelids or the glassy eyes that sought the familiar, but he did hear the soft moan.

 

“Adam, you awake. You need water, anything?” A weak nod had Hop Sing with a glass to his lips in a flash. “I get father.”

 

“No, stay…please. I need to talk to you.”

 

“You no talk. You rest.”

 

“Hop Sing,” Adam’s voice was a hoarse whisper. “What it was like here while I was gone.”

 

“Why you ask that?”

 

“I think Pa forgot about me.”

 

The cook laughed but quickly quieted so others wouldn’t hear. “Forgot you? Number one son never forgotten. When you leave, father have brave face that left when wagon was out of sight. Father very sad for long time after. Lose wife, lose son. In deep pain.”

 

“I knew he would be sad, but I had to go.”

 

“Was okay. No blame son. He want best for you. Each letter make happy for a time, then sad again. Father not nice when sad,” he chuckled quietly, “but always very good man. Always remember son very much.”

 

“Was he sad the whole time?”

 

“Some sad all the time. But better. Got busy with ranch. Make big change to impress son. Worry later that son not want to come home. Then worry very much son would not stay. Worry, worry, worry, but happy son coming back.”

 

Adam tried to sit but could barely lift his head and lay back down. “I’ve been a fool. Never really told Pa how good the ranch looks, never mentioned the improvements and all the new things he’s gotten. I just wanted him to listen to me; but I didn’t listen to him either.”

 

“I get father now. You rest.”

 

Adam was sleeping by the time Paul and Ben got upstairs. A check of his pulse revealed a normal, steady rhythm. The clean bandages they’d applied during the day were still unstained and his breathing was slow and even. “I think he’s going to make it Ben,” Paul breathed out. “But I’m not saying more until I see him up and dressed…just to be sure.”

 

“Pa?”

 

“I’m here son. How do you feel?”

 

“Like I was trampled in a stampede of angry bulls. I can’t remember much about it, so is that what actually happened?”

 

“Yep,” replied the doctor. “I’m just checking all the hoof prints now and then I’ll get out of here.”

 

After Paul left the room, Adam began, “I’m so sorry Pa. I was angry that you didn’t seem to pay attention to me, but I wasn’t paying attention to you either. I should have told you how great the ranch looks, and that I noticed all the improvements: but I didn’t, or at least not enough.”

 

“Water under the bridge, son; no apologies needed.” After checking Adam’s forehead for fever and finding it cool, Ben continued, “I know you just woke up, but have you been thinking about when you plan to leave?”

 

“Pa, I heard what you said when I was sleeping, or whatever that was I was doing: about hollering less and listening more. Do you think you can really do that?”

 

“I’ve always been good for a promise.”

 

“Do you think you can honestly trust me to make decisions around here if I prove myself?”

 

“I can do that. But I need to ask you something too. This ranch, all that we’ve worked for, is all for you and your brothers someday. But I’m not ready to give it up just yet, so can you accept that I won’t like every suggestion you make and that I’ll still be making the decisions?”

 

Ben panicked as Adam groaned, laid his arm across his forehead and rolled his eyes back. “Paul! Get back in here!”

 

Paul rolled around the doorframe from the hall where he had been eavesdropping on the conversation, and said with mock disdain. “Adam, that was the worst acting ever. I thought Ben said you did some Shakespeare in college. What did you play in that production, the part of the skull?”

 

In confusion, Ben looked from Paul to Adam, who was now grinning. “What was that all about?”

 

“I didn’t want to answer your question and figured you’d go easier on me if you thought I was dying again.”

 

Paul laughed as he began to gather his things. “I should be heading back to town now that the first born has made it back to the land of the living.” As he slipped his arm into his coat sleeve, he remembered that Adam’s note was still resting in the pocket. Removing it, he asked his patient, “Do you want me to send this to San Francisco tomorrow?”

 

“I’m assuming you showed it to Pa?”

 

The doctor confessed, “I thought it was important.”

 

Adam’s strength was waning but understood that he had to make his decision before he could rest again. Looking toward his father, he asked, “Any further thoughts, Pa?”

 

“The decision is yours and I’ll support you no matter what it is. Just know that I hope you’ll want to stay on here, at least for a few more years.”

 

“You can send it, Paul…” Adam noticed the color drain from his father’s face as he continued, “in a few years when Pa and I have finished everything we need to try around here.”

 

Paul laughed. “I’m glad you finished that or I’d be treating your father for a heart attack. Now that this is settled, I want you to rest so I don’t have to come out here again for a few days.” He gave a final salute to father and son, turning back once more at the door. “Welcome home Adam.”

 

The end

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Loading

Bookmark (2)
ClosePlease login

No account yet? Register

Author: missjudy

I'm from Southeastern Wisconsin, and have been writing Bonanza fanfic for several years. Adam's my favorite character, but I always to write in a way that will honor the men behind the roles.

10 thoughts on “When Words Are Hard to Find (by MissJudy)

  1. I loved this one! I can definitely see a situation playing out like this when Adam returned from college. Both Ben and Adam had their own issues and fears they thought they had to live up to. I really liked how it wasn’t just Adam or just Ben who had the worry. You did a brilliant job, as always!

    1. Thank you so much, again. Relationships with grown children are so difficult – especially at first. And thank you for noticing the need for others to help both father and son to gain a perspective they couldn’t find on their own. The story also sets a scene for Adam leaving one day. Not that he was angry of hated his family, but rather that he was the son who’d experienced life outside the family, and wanted to know more about how he would prosper away from the safety of the Ponderosa. I appreciate your comments greatly!

  2. I realized I had read this before. Just as good as the first time. Father and son have the same hard heads but now are working toward handling that. I loved Paul’s talk with Ben. That man is so special to the family, as much as Hop Sing. Thanks for sharing this little gem.

  3. Ben needs to work on his communication skills and his oversize ego. Sadly it takes a potentially devastating injury to his son to get him to be honest with himself and with his son. Glad to see Doctor Martin play a role in the healing, and his backstory was a great one.

  4. like the story, it is hard when one has been away, trying to be like they were before. Unfortunately Ben didn’t seem to know what to say or do. Liked how Hop Sing and Dr Martin help

    1. Thank you, Chrish. You’re right about trying to fit back in, and with Adam gone so many years, and growing into a man while he was gone, there would have been trouble adjusting when he got home. I have Paul lending a hand in a couple of stories. There were several doctors attending the Cartwrights during the series, but Paul Martin seems to be the one who connected most with the family. I don’t think it’s shown in the series, but I have always felt that Adam would have understood Hop Sing the most. He’d probably spent the most time helping him when his father was away, and would have helped with his brothers even while Hop Sing lent a hand.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.