Summary: Adam comes to terms with what happened and his responsibility for his actions during The Crucible.

Rated: G   (17,150 words)

 

    After the Storm

 

CHAPTER 1

Ben Cartwright followed Doctor Paul Martin down the stairs, and into the sprawling living area of the log home that housed the Cartwright family. Ben’s two youngest sons sat on the sofa waiting to hear what the doctor had to say. Ben’s eldest son Adam, was the cause of the doctor’s visit. The family had just returned home with him after he’d been missing for more than two weeks. Just when they were about to abandon the search, they’d found him, delirious and dragging a dead man on a travois. When Ben had approached him he’d become hysterical, babbling something about gold and games. It had frightened Ben to the point that he shouted at him, causing recognition to return to Adam’s eyes and he crumbled to the ground, crying bitterly as Ben had gathered him in his arms, until the storm passed. Ben had cried too, but it was relief at finding the son he’d given up for lost. The whole family had been shocked at the condition they’d found him in. But more troubling was Adam’s silence about what happened to him. He made it clear he did not want to talk about it, so they didn’t ask anymore. Adam had only asked his father one question on the second day after they’d found him.

“Is Cain dead?”

“Cain? Is that the man who was with you when we……?” Ben started to ask, but Adam nodded before he finished.

“Yes Adam, he was dead,” Ben said quietly. He saw something in Adam’s eyes that made him ask, “Who was he son?” But Adam turned away and never mentioned him again. That was all the information Ben had, a name. He had not said another word about his experience throughout the trip home. And he hardly spoke at all about anything else. Doctor Martin sat on the sofa taking the cup of coffee Joe held out to him. He sipped from the cup before addressing the family.

“Well I have to say, I can’t imagine what shape he was in when you found him, but he is on the road to recovery. I definitely saw signs of dehydration and exhaustion, but nothing that time won’t mend. He needs time to get his strength back, so just make sure he takes it easy for awhile”

There seemed to come a collected sigh of relief as they all exchanged glances.

“You say he hasn’t told you what happened?” Paul asked.

“No sir,” Hoss said. “And he makes it mighty plain he don’t wanna tell us.”

“Whatever happened must’ve been just awful for him, I’ve never seen him like that before,” Joe added, his face drawn.

“The boys are right Paul, I mean if you’d seen him when we found him, it was absolutely heart–wrenching for all of us,” Ben agreed, feeling the pain all over again.

“Well Ben thank God you found him when you did. Anyway he’s home now and will be fine. You shouldn’t have any further need of my services.

“Although he did say he’s having trouble sleeping so I gave him a sedative for tonight, he did seem kind’ve anxious. Let me know if the problems continues and I’ll see him again,” Paul said and rose to leave.” Well I better get back to town, thank you for the coffee boys”

Ben walked him to the door, “Thank you Paul, thanks for coming right out I appreciate it,” Ben said.

“Oh you’re welcome Ben, and I think you should all try to get some sleep tonight, you look like you could use it. Goodnight Ben, goodnight boys,” Paul said as he waved and left the house.

“We will Paul,” Ben called watching him ride away in the fading sunset. He walked back to his sons and sat down. He cleared his throat and said, “Well I guess we just give him some time and things will get back to normal,” Ben wished he really believed his own words.

“I sure do wish we knew what happened to him, and who that feller with him was that was with him. It seems to me he’d feel a heap of a lot better if we talked about it,” Hoss said, his voice etched with concern.

“I’m sure he will when he’s ready Hoss,” Ben assured him. He was concerned himself with Adam’s withdrawal, “But you know Adam, he does things in his own good time.”

The others nodded their agreement and all grew silent. Hoss stood up and stretched, “I’m gonna hit the sack Pa, it’s gonna be mighty good to sleep in my own bed again, night all.”

Ben said goodnight to him as he walked up the stairs and then turned to his youngest son who was lost in thought.

“Joseph, aren’t you just about worn out too?” Ben asked.

Joe looked up at his father, “What?” he said and then realized what Ben had said, “Oh yeah right Pa, I’ll get on to bed too, goodnight.”

Ben watched him disappear up the stairs in Hoss’ path and then took a deep breath. Now he could check on Adam and get some sleep himself. Adam lay in his bed watching his room grow dark as the sun went down. Things were just beginning to get fuzzy as the effects of the sedative took hold. His eyes were beginning to grow heavy when Ben walked in with a dimly lit lantern. He placed it on the table by the bed and sat down. He watched Adam fight off the sleep.

“How ya doing son?” Ben said softly.

“Fine Pa,” Adam said barely above a whisper. When Adam realized he was falling asleep he was overcome with the unmistakable fear again, and tried to avoid it. The sedative was strong though and he could not keep his eyes open. He remembered something he’d wanted to tell his father.

“Pa, I’m sorry about the money,” he said trying to make his voice sound normal.

“Adam I told you before, I don’t care about the money, having you home safe is worth everything to me,” Ben assured him but it did not allay Adam’s guilt over the stolen money. His eyes closed and he could not open them again. He felt a strange floating sensation and then his father’s hand on his head, caressing and comforting, and then he heard his father’s voice say, “I love you Adam.”

Adam turned away and tried to will himself to sleep thinking, “No Pa, don’t love me anymore because I’m not who you thought I was. I took another man’s life for no other reason than to silence him, and a killer is not worthy of love.”

CHAPTER 2

Adam threw himself back into the routine of ranch work hoping that he would begin to feel like himself again. As hard as he tried, he could not shake the feeling that he was a different person now, no matter what he did to avoid it someone was going to catch on sooner or later. He felt a sense of detachment from everyone and everything around him, as though he was merely a spectator in his own life. By all outward appearances he seemed back to normal, but inside his feelings were in turmoil. He ate, but didn’t taste the food, went to bed at night like the rest, but did not sleep. Sleep became what he feared most, because he was sure if he closed his eyes and slept, he would wake up and find that his being home had all been a dream. He talked and laughed with his family, but it always felt as if it were someone else doing it. Everything that in the past had brought him pleasure, now seemed to have no meaning. He tried to read the books in his room, but would find himself reading the same sentence over and over. He picked up his guitar to play it, and could suddenly not remember what it was that made him play before. In time he convinced himself that he had somehow died inside, that he couldn’t feel anything anymore. He did not question it after a while because it seemed appropriate to him. But his father saw it, or rather sensed it, that Adam was not the same. At times he looked worse than he had when they brought him home, he was too thin, and he had deep dark circles under his eyes. If Ben tried to comment on his appearance he would insist that he was fine, and that his father was over reacting. In desperation Ben went to see the Doctor, but he could offer no help. He told Ben it was not a medical problem, and therefore not something that could be treated. He promised to contact some colleagues of his, who might be able to offer some help, but could not promise anything. He once again told him to give it more time.

So the Cartwright family went about their lives as if nothing had ever happened. The four of them developed an inner voice that would repeat to them, just give it more time, you just need more time. Adam was alone on the ranch one day trying to go over some cutting figures for his father. Even simple tasks seemed to overwhelm him now. He went over the figures again and again and could not seem to make them come out right. He was growing very frustrated when there came a knock on the door. He went to answer it almost relieved to be called away from his unpleasant chore. He opened the door to find Maryann Crawford, a girl he’d been seeing a lot of, before leaving for Eastgate with Joe. He stood holding the door open as he stared at her. He was thinking that he should be feeling something at the sight of her.

“Can I come in?” she said coyly, nearly startling him.

“Oh I’m sorry, of course come on in,” Adam apologized and held the door open as she sauntered in and walked to the sofa making herself comfortable. Adam closed the door and tried to ignore the feeling of being trapped. He tried to think of the right things to say to her. “It’s good to see you Maryann,” he said wondering if it sounded as hollow as he felt.

She smiled at him with pleasure though, “It’s good to see you too Adam. I’m sorry I took so long to visit but I knew you needed time to get back on your feet. I was so worried about you but I must say you look as good as ever,” she said blushing at her own words, “I’ve missed you Adam.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Adam said and wondered why he hadn’t, he hadn’t even thought about her until this very moment. She was looking at him, watching him, wanting him to say more as she discreetly moved closer to him.

“Have you Adam? Then why haven’t you been to town to see me?” she asked.

It was the question Adam dreaded, ” Well it’s been a tough readjustment Maryann and we’ve been awful busy, I guess I …….”

But she cut him off suddenly by putting her arms around his neck and hugging him. “That’s okay Adam, I’m just so happy to see you,” she said. She felt him stiffen and resist and realized he wasn’t returning the hug.  She pulled away and regarded him with her hands on his shoulders, looking into his eyes, “What is it Adam, what’s wrong?”

Adam could not look at her, he didn’t know what to say

“Adam have I done something wrong?” she asked fearful that she had somehow offended him.

“No no, of course not, I’m sorry. I’m just preoccupied I guess,” he said hating himself for not being able to do and say the things she obviously needed from him.

Maryann did not understand at all. They had been becoming quite close before he left for his trip and now he was acting like he hardly knew her. She had thought she knew him, but he was different somehow, something had changed him.

“Adam I just expected you to be a lot happier to see me,” she said trying not to sound as hurt as she felt.

“Well maybe you shouldn’t expect anything from me,” Adam snapped back surprising himself at how loudly and viciously it came out.

Maryann was shattered as she put her hand to her mouth and stared at him. She couldn’t speak, she rushed out of the house nearly colliding with Ben who was on his way in. Adam heard his father call out to her, he knew he should go after her and apologize, but he didn’t move. He told himself it was for the best, he didn’t want her to think their relationship was serious anyway, she would be better off without him. Ben closed the door, a puzzled expression on his face. He moved to the living area to his son,” What was that all about?” he said pointing to the door.

“Nothing,” Adam mumbled keeping his eyes on the floor.

“The girl was in tears Adam, and you say it’s nothing?” Ben said nearly shouting it.

“It’s none of your business,” Adam retorted and rose to go to his room.

Ben was tempted to go after him but he didn’t. He realized that Adam was striking out only because he was hurting inside. It wasn’t like him to intentionally hurt anyone.

Hoss walked in then slamming the door behind him.  “Pa, did Adam and Miss Maryann have a fight? She just rode of like a scared rabbit.”

“I’m not sure son, but I suspect Adam said something that hurt her feelings.”

Hoss frowned, “What in tarnation’s got into him, he’s been walking around here like a coiled snake.”

Ben shook his head, “I don’t know Hoss, but I’m afraid it’s going to get worse before it gets better,” he said then turned his eyes to the stairs, “If I could just talk to him, but he avoids me at all costs. He’s shutting everyone out and I don’t even know why”

Hoss pulled an apple from the fruit bowl and sat on the sofa, polishing the apple on his shirt before taking a hearty bite. After chewing a bit, he looked thoughtfully at his father, “Pa I ain’t saying I know what Adam’s going through, but I do know Adam. It seems to me he’s feeling almost ashamed about something.”

Ben turned to Hoss and sat by the fireplace, “Ashamed, of what?”

“Well Pa, I ain’t rightly sure, but it sure seems like there’s something eatin’ at him. I’m just saying what I see, or what I think I see.”

“I don’t know Hoss,” Ben said pondering that idea. The door clicked open and Joe came in and smiled at his family. He took off his gunbelt and then slapped dust off his clothes with his hat.

“Couldn’t you do that outside?” Ben asked frowning at him.

“Sorry Pa,” Joe said joining Hoss on the sofa. “Hey Hoss toss me one of them apples.”

Hoss lobbed one to him and turned back to his father, “Pa I know he’s been resisting it, but how come we don’t tell Adam we want to have a family meeting, and we just talk about what’s bothering him. Maybe he just needs a little push, I hate to see him fretting so.”

Ben squinted his eyes and frowned, “I don’t know Hoss I don’t want him to feel cornered.”

“Me either,” Joe added a little too loudly, as he looked angrily at Hoss.

“Just let him be, he’ll come around on his own,” he said and was quickly embarrassed by two sets of eyes staring at him. “Look he’s made it plain he don’t want to talk about it, so why can’t we just leave him alone?” he said trying to justify his outburst.

He got up from the sofa to escape them, ” It looked like rain when I rode in, I’m gonna put the horses in for the night.”

Ben watched him leave then turned to Hoss, “What’s got into him now?”

“Oh Pa, don’t pay him no mind, he’s just feeling the strain like the rest of us,” Hoss offered but Ben knew instinctively that there was more to it.

“Did he say something to you?” he asked.

“Look Pa, he asked me not to say anything to you and…”

Ben caught Hoss’ eye, “Hoss, don’t we have enough of that going on around here?” Ben said cutting him off.

Hoss still hesitated, not wanting to betray his younger brother. “Well sir, I reckon Little Joe’s feeling a might guilty” he said.

“Guilty, about what?” Ben exclaimed.

“Oh about Adam and what happened to him. He said if he’d gone with him instead of staying in Eastgate, it wouldn’t of happened.”

“He doesn’t know that” Ben said solemnly.

“I know Pa, I tried to tell him but he’s got it in his head that things would’a turned out different if he’d been there with him.”

Ben abruptly stood and walked out of the house, heading toward the barn. He stopped just outside the door and took a deep breath before entering. Meanwhile Hoss had ideas of his own, as he climbed the stairs and stopped just outside Adam’s room. He knocked lightly and held his breath waiting. He heard a muffled ‘come in’ and relieved he let out his breath and opened the door. Adam looked up at his entrance, a little surprised to see Hoss, he obviously been expecting someone else.

“Howdy Adam, you mind if I talk to you a minute?”

“Course not, sit down,” Adam said hating how flat it sounded.

“Well I was just wondering, well things have slowed down now and I figured if Pa ain’t got no objections, maybe you an me could go hunting,” Hoss said watching his brother’s face.

“Hunting?” Adam said more surprised at the content of the question than anything else.

“Yeah why not? Look Adam I promised myself if we ever got the chance again it was something we’d do. Maybe I’m being plumb selfish but I’d sure like you to go with me.”

Adam smiled, surprised that he still could, “Alright Hoss, we’ll go hunting,” he said secretly hoping it would renew his soul. “As soon as Pa says he can spare us.”

“Good,” Hoss said slapping his palms on his legs as he stood up,” Now we just gotta figure out what to do when Little Joe begs to go along.”

Adam was still smiling so Hoss made a decision to chance one more thing, ” Hey Adam, that reminds me, there’s something I was wondering. Do you reckon things would’a turned out differently if you and Joe had left Eastgate together?”

Adam shuddered at the question hoping Hoss didn’t see it. How many times had he grappled with that same question, and then thanked God that Joe had stayed behind.

“No I don’t think so Hoss, it’s probably best that he wasn’t with me,” Adam answered quietly.

“Yeah that’s what I figured,” Hoss said, “Maybe you ought’a tell him. See ya Adam,” Hoss left not bothering to explain his comment, Adam would figure it out.

CHAPTER 3

Ben had thought it too good to be true when Hoss told him Adam had agreed to go hunting. He was a little concerned when Hoss explained the reason for the trip but he felt they had to try something. And the one person that could always get through to Adam, was Hoss. So Ben decided to let them go and trust Hoss to handle things in his own way. Joe was a little put out but didn’t express it to anyone. He was as desperate as the others to help Adam, and just as helpless as to how to do it. When they had found Adam Joe was overwhelmed with relief, knowing in his heart he never would have recovered from the guilt if Adam had not been found. But since finding him in the condition he was in, he was dealing with a worse feeling of responsibility. Joe stood watching them pack for the trip and noticed how Adam seemed almost his old self.

“Where’re you gonna go?” he asked them as they loaded supplies onto the pack horse.

Adam and Hoss stopped to look at each other, both figuring the other had a destination in mind. “I reckon we’ll just scout around up by the lake, maybe check out that area first,” Hoss suggested.

“Sounds good to me,” Adam agreed.

“I’m gonna get ole Chub ready,” Hoss said and went off to the corral.

Adam looked over at Joe as he tied his bedroll to the saddle.

“Tell you what Joe, when Hoss and I get back, you and I will plan to take a trip together.”

Joe knew Adam was simply trying to be fair, “That ain’t necessary.”

“Oh come on, Pa is feeling generous right now, why not take advantage,” Adam said winking at him.

“Yeah okay,” Joe said dryly. “Why don’t we go to New York?” Joe suggested half heartedly.

Adam’s eyebrows shot up, “You mean it, you’d like to go east?” he asked him, not sure if he was serious or not.

“Why wouldn’t I? You’ve been telling me about it for years,” Joe challenged.

“Yeah I know but I thought you just listened to placate me,” Joe gave him an insulted look. “You know I would like to see other parts of the world someday, same as you.”

“Well than it’s a date,” Adam said firmly. “We’re going to New York together real soon, that’s a promise,” he declared holding out his hand.

They shook on it just as Hoss called out to Adam, “We better get going Adam if we wanna make camp before dark.”

“Alright I’ll be right there,” Adam shouted back, then turned back to Joe, “Listen, when I get back I want to talk to you about something,” he said as he pulled a bridle over his horse’s head and slipped the bit in his mouth.

Joe was curious now, “About what?”

“We’ll talk about it when I get back.”

Joe was a little concerned now as he studied his brother’s face, “Okay sure,” he said as Adam threw the reins over his horse’s neck and secured the pack horse to his own.

“Do me a favor Joe and tell Pa we’re ready to go,” Adam said as he climbed on his horse.

Joe walked in the house without a word as Adam moved the horse to where Hoss was waiting by the barn. A few minutes later Ben and Joe emerged from the house.

“Looks like you boys are all set,” Ben stated, “I’ll expect you back in about one week.”

“You got it Pa and we’ll see if we can’t bring you home a trophy,” Hoss said.

“You do that Hoss, be careful now,” Ben called as they rode away. Joe stood beside his father and watched his brothers disappear around the corner.

“I hope this is what he needs,” Joe said quietly.

Ben looked at him and put an arm around his shoulder, ” I hope so too son.”

“You know what? He said he’d we could go to New York together,” Joe said brightly turning to his father.

“Really?” Ben said enthusiastically, “Why that’s wonderful, that would be an adventure wouldn’t it.”

“That’s for sure, I hope he means it,” Joe said and went back to his chores.

Ben sighed deeply, relieved to see some happiness in his family again. He looked in the direction his older sons had gone and silently prayed, ” Watch over them Lord.”

CHAPTER 4

Adam and Hoss settled themselves in front of the campfire they’d built as darkness settled in around them. It was a chilly night and they prepared for it as best they could.

“Remember how scary it was when Pa brought us up here as kids?” Adam remarked, it seemed like such a long time ago.

“Yeah but back then none of us was willing to admit we were scared,” Hoss said.

Adam smiled as he sipped his coffee, yes he remembered although with Joe you knew by his actions that he was scared. He wouldn’t say anything, but when it was time to bed down for the night he had insisted on having someone on either side of him at camp. Adam’s face suddenly turned serious when he remembered how on their recent trip home he’d done something very similar, but in a very subtle way. He had stayed very close to Adam, practically underfoot all the time. And when they’d made camp each night he had slept very close by, which Adam realized now was to reassure himself, because he was scared.

“Adam you alright?” Adam heard Hoss say through his thoughts.

“What? Oh yeah sorry.”

“You were a million miles away, what were you thinking about?” Hoss asked him hoping for some insight.

“Oh just how brave Joe’s always tried to be to impress us.”

Hoss broke out in his impish grin. “Yeah I reckon he figures he’s got us pretty well convinced by now,” he said. “I reckon he’s trying real hard even now.”

Adam didn’t comment, he finished his coffee, and reached to fill the cup again. Hoss was trying to think of a way to ask Adam a difficult question without making him uncomfortable.

“Hey Adam, why don’t you feel like you can tell us what happened to ya? You know sometimes it’s okay not to be brave?”

Adam winced and studied the contents of his cup. He felt himself tense up until it seemed he could feel every nerve in his body. He didn’t want to talk about this, but it was Hoss who was asking, and he trusted Hoss with whatever he told him. With Hoss he never felt pressured or expected to act or be a certain way, Hoss took him as he was, he always had and that’s was what Adam liked best about their relationship.

“It’s not like I don’t want to Hoss, it’s nothing against any of you. It’s just that, even to think about it again is just too …………”

“Awful?” Hoss finished for him.

Adam looked up solemnly and nodded, “I can’t really explain it but it’s like I have this whole closet just full of junk and I just don’t have the strength to sort through it all, it’s just too much.”

Hoss almost turned away from the pain in his brother’s eyes, but resisted the urge to tell him what he felt, “Adam you realize how much strength it’s taking for you to hold that door shut?” he said and walked away so that Adam would think about it.

And Adam did, but it didn’t change the fact that he could not bear to deal with it or share it. It was somehow easier to pretend that if he just ignored it, if he didn’t talk about it, it would all go away. He knew he could never tell his family what he’d done. The fear of how it would change things between them was what haunted him, they could never know. Adam was relieved when Hoss returned, he welcomed any kind of diversion from his thoughts.

“You reckon we ought’a go up further north or go where Pa used to take us?” Hoss asked as he settled back down in his original spot.

“Don’t matter to me,” Adam stated. “We’ll go wherever you want.”

“Alright then, I wanna head up north, I got a feeling that’s where I’m gonna get the chance to use my new rifle,” Hoss said his voice touched with excitement.

“What new rifle?” Adam said curiously.

“I’ll show ya,” Hoss said jumping up again.

He came back beaming as he handed Adam the rifle. Adam took it from him and said, “Where’d you get this thing?”

“I bought it off of Tuck Hanson, it can shoot a moving target at more’n two hundred yards.”

Adam whistled as he turned it over in his hands and examined it.

He put it up to his shoulder as if taking aim at something, then handed it back to Hoss, “That’s a nice gun brother,” he said admiringly.

“I tell you what older brother, if you see anything worthwhile tomorrow you can use it too,” Hoss offered with a grin as he propped the rifle next to him.

“I’ll do my best,” Adam said smiling at him with affection. He had noticed a strange sensation when he held the rifle to his shoulder but was sure it was just that he was tired.

As if reading his thoughts, Hoss stood and brushed his pants off saying, “Well I wanna light out early so I’m gonna get some sleep, how about you?”

“Yeah in a little while Hoss, you go ahead I’ll take care of the things,” Adam offered not really wanting to face sleep for the moment.

“Alright Adam, see you in the morning, goodnight,” Hoss said and walked off to his bedroll.

“Night Hoss” Adam said after him and turned back to look into the fire. He poured himself yet another cup of coffee and wondered at the slight trembling in his hands.

Hoss lay under his blanket wondering what it was that was different about his brother. Something was missing and he was sure if he could just figure out what it was, he could help him. And the desire to do so was what had become the main focus in his life.

CHAPTER 5

By the third day Adam and Hoss had ridden far enough north to start seeing snow. They turned up their collars, and slowed their pace, mindful of the horses’ footing. Adam found the cold exhilarating, the bite of the cold felt good to his senses which he feared had gone numb. It was a good way to keep him alert, since leaving home he hadn’t slept at all. When they made up their camps for the night it would bring back memories he was doing his best to forget. As hard as he tried to forget though, the events of those weeks would come back to him at the most inopportune times. And each time he would be filled with a sense of desperation, because it was a reminder that he was in fact not in control of himself. As much as he enjoyed his brother’s company the trip was becoming difficult. Certain sights, sounds, or even smells would cause all he was trying to contain to rise to the surface and threaten to break. Adam knew if that happened he may never gain control of himself again, he was afraid of his own emotions.

“I think we’re beyond the border of the ranch now,” Hoss said breaking into his thoughts. “You wanna keep heading this way?”

Adam pulled his horse up alongside Hoss, “Might as well, I have a feeling that’s where they’ve moved to, getting ready for winter early”

They’d only ridden another couple miles when they came upon the herd they were tracking. They quickly dismounted the horses and hurried behind some brush to study them.

“Look’it the size of that buck Adam” Hoss exclaimed pointing toward the group.

Adam looked where Hoss was pointing and located him, he watched in awe as the majestic animal sniffed the air, somehow seeming to sense impending danger.

“I don’t think we should shoot him,” Adam said quietly.

Hoss turned to his brother a puzzled expression on his face, “Adam you forgettin’ why we come up here?”

Adam frowned at him, “No I ain’t forgetting, I’m just saying it doesn’t have to be him. Look Hoss if we kill him what’re we gonna leave to improve the herd? If people like us keep coming out here killing off the biggest and the best, in a few years there won’t be much of a herd left.”

Hoss was looking at him as the idea sank in, “I guess you’re right Adam, I don’t reckon I ever thought of it that way,” he said turning to look at the elk.

Although Adam was sincere, the truth was he wasn’t sure he could fire the rifle in his hands. For some reason the thought of it had caused him to break out in a cold sweat. He’d also noticed he was feeling a strange floating feeling, as if he were dreaming. And the ringing in his ears that had begun moments before was slowly getting louder. He was glad Hoss had his back to him, that way Hoss would get a shot off first and he might not have to fire at all.

“I tell ya what Adam,” Hoss said turning back to him, “Seeing how far off they are, I’ll put my rifle right here between me and you, and if you see something worthwhile you get to take the first shot.”

Something in the way Hoss said it, the words or the tone, caused an instant flashback in Adam’s mind. Hoss’ voice became Kane’s voice, echoing in his mind, taunting him as the ringing in his ears grew louder, and reached an unbearable pitch. And the voice said over and over, “You take the first shot, you take the first shot.”

Adam squeezed his eyes shut and clapped his hands over his ears trying to drive out the sounds, but he couldn’t silence the voice.

“Adam what’s a matter, you alright?” Hoss said stupefied at his brother’s actions. He felt cold fear grip his stomach, what was happening? He reached out to touch Adam’s arm and he reacted by bolting toward the gun. He grabbed it and swung it up and down like an axe crying, “No more, no more!”

Hoss watched dumbfounded for a moment, then rushed to his brother’s side, “Adam stop it! Let go of it!” Hoss commanded but Adam seemed completely unaware of him. Seeing no other option Hoss grabbed him from behind, pinning his arms to his sides. For several minutes Adam continued his outburst then suddenly he let go of what remained of the rifle like it was on fire. He looked at his bleeding hands as if they belonged to someone else.

Hoss turned him around still gripping his arms, “It’s okay Adam, you’re with me, it’s okay,” Hoss assured him.

“What happened?” Adam asked him still staring, his confusion grew at seeing the pieces of the gun on the ground, “What happened to the rifle?”

He was staring at Hoss with a look of utter desperation, “Adam it don’t make no never mind, it’s just an ole rifle, it was an accident don’t worry about it,” Hoss said hoping to ease his mind. But within minutes Adam knew he’d done it, his worst fear had come true, he’d lost control again. It was devastating to him and he felt all his strength drain out of him. His head fell forward onto Hoss’ shoulder and Hoss swallowed hard and held him. It only lasted a moment, then he picked his head up and gave Hoss a helpless look, then walked away. He walked back to where he’d left his horse. He was about to get on when Hoss touched his shoulder, “Adam please, don’t be frettin’ over some dadburn old rifle, it ain’t near as important to me as you are.”

Adam stood trembling, one hand clutching the saddle horn the other the cantle. “It ain’t just the rifle Hoss, it’s everything, nothing’s the same anymore,” he said and climbed on. Hoss put a hand on his leg.

“You just have to give yourself more time Adam, things will get better,” Hoss pleaded with him, his intuition told him he was losing his brother.

“I’ve tried Hoss, I’ve really tried. It’s no use I can’t go back to who I was,” Adam said and turned his horse and galloped off, leaving Hoss standing alone on the mountain. His hands and his heart empty.

CHAPTER 6

Joe was working alone in the barn when Adam rode in by himself. He knew something was wrong as soon as he saw his brother’s face. ” Hi Adam,” he said cheerfully. “Where’s Hoss?”

“He’ll be along,” Adam said sharply, he was on edge and hoped Joe would not ask him a lot of questions.

“What happened? Did you fellas get anything?”

“No we didn’t,” Adam answered through clenched teeth. He had come home to put something on his hands. He was about to slide the saddle off his horse but the increase of the ringing in his ears changed his mind.

“Well no big deal, maybe next time,” Joe stated.

Adam was recinching his saddle and trying to control the anger threatening to overtake him again, “Look Joe, I really don’t feel like talking right now, okay?”

Joe watched him pulling the cinch tight almost savagely, “Where’re you going?” Joe asked unable to help himself.

Adam took a deep breath, “I’m going to town, tell Pa I’ll be back later.”

Like Hoss, Joe felt a sense of urgency, he could feel something slipping from his grasp.

“We’re still going to New York together aren’t we?” Joe asked him desperate for some way to hold on to him .

“NO!” Adam said no longer able to hold the anger in. “You’re not going anywhere with me, I’m the last person in the world you need to be going anywhere with. You have Hoss, go take a trip with him somewhere,” Adam snapped and led his horse out of the barn. He rode off without looking back, full of self-loathing.

Joe had not moved, he felt as if Adam had struck him. As he listened to the fading hoofbeats he whispered, “I know I have Hoss, but I didn’t want to go with him.”

He barely finished the sentence when Ben walked in, “Was that your brothers?” he asked.

“No, just Adam,” Joe said quietly.

“Well, where’d he go?” Ben demanded, his hands on his hips.

Joe didn’t get the chance to answer him, they quickly moved outside at the sound of an approaching horse only to see Hoss ride up.

“Adam here?” he asked as he pulled his horse to a sliding stop.

“No he said he was going to town,” Joe said squinting up at him. “What happened up there?”

“Would somebody mind telling me what’s going on?” Ben said harshly.

Hoss climbed off his horse and looked wearily at his father. “I ain’t even sure what happened Pa, something set him off and he went wild.”

“What does that mean?” Ben said looking doubtful. Hoss held a hand up and walked around his horse to retrieve something from his saddlebag. He returned with what was left of the stock of his rifle and handed it to his father. Ben examined it and then looked at Hoss questioning.

“Adam did that, smashed it to pieces,” Hoss explained

“Why?” Joe said taking the piece from his father.

“I don’t rightly know, he just grabbed it and started swinging and yelling,” Hoss said.

Ben looked at the rifle in Joe’s hands and back at Hoss.

“Well what was he yelling?” he asked exasperated.

“I don’t know Pa, he just flat out grabbed the rifle like it was alive and went to hollering. I don’t know what he was saying,” Hoss said his voice rising, then he remembered. “Wait a minute, yes I do, I think he was saying no more.”

The three of them exchanged glances, Ben spoke for all three, ” No more what?”

“Well I don’t know that, but I’m almost sure he was saying no more,” Hoss said firmly.

“Well did something happen before that?” Ben asked him.

“No sir, although I reckon he was sort’s edgy since this morning. I should’a seen it coming, maybe I pushed him too soon. I was just so dadburn tired of watching him trying to convince us he was alright.”

Ben suddenly felt tired and dropped to a bale of hay, burying his face in his hands.

“Pa don’t worry, he’ll be back,” Joe said assuredly.

“Did he tell you anything while you were up there?” Ben asked looking up at him.

Hoss sat down across from his father, Joe did the same. “No sir, not anything outright, but I do know whatever it is he don’t want to tell us is a mighty heavy load and that’s a fact. It’s a like a festering wound and if he don’t get it taken care of one way or another………..” Hoss’ voice trailed off.

“But if he can’t even tell his family what’s bothering him, how are we supposed to help him?” Joe interrupted.

Ben sat up straight and looked at each of them, “We’re not going to give up on him, he has to feel that he can tell us when he’s ready. And if we give up he’ll sense it and we will lose him, and that’s the very thing we’re all afraid of isn’t it?”

Both boys nodded and Ben continued, “Whatever happened has him somehow convinced that it’s changed him or us, made him different to the extent that our feelings for him changed too.”

“But Pa, he knows better’n that,” Hoss cried.

“Does he?” Ben queried.

Hoss stood up. “Well then I reckon that’s the thing he needs to hear and I still think we need to have a family meeting to get this all out in the open once and for all or we’re gonna lose him for sure.”

“I think you’re right Hoss, it’s about time we layed everything out on the table, all of us,” Ben said looking at his youngest.

“Let’s go find him,” Joe said standing up Ben and Hoss stood also, but Ben shook his head. “No we’ll wait for him to come home on his own,” he said putting on hand on each of their shoulders. Hoss and Joe looked at each other with concern.

“Pa what if he don’t come back?” Joe asked him.

“Yeah Pa, he was real upset when he left me,” Hoss added.

“Don’t worry, I know Adam, he may stay away awhile but he’ll come back,” Ben assured them. “Look, why don’t we get ourselves some lunch and then go back to work.”

“Sure Pa, I reckon we’ll all be better off if we keep busy,” Hoss said and left the barn to get something to eat

Ben looked at Joe who was deep in thought. “You ready Joseph?” Ben asked him.

Joe looked up at his father, “Pa, do you think it’s us he’s mad at?”

Ben shook his head and put his arm around his son again “No son, I’m sure it isn’t.”

Joe frowned, “He sure seems angry to me” he said softly.

Ben sighed deeply, “Yes I know, and he is, but for some reason he’s angry at himself and is struggling to come to terms with that anger,” Ben assured him, then added, “And I’m sure once we resolve all this he will still take you to New York.”

“I don’t care about that Pa, I just want my brother back.”

Ben squeezed his shoulder, “I know I just hope he gives us a chance to help.”

“Well, we’ll find out when he gets home,” Joe said.

Ben nodded, “In the meantime let’s see if we can’t get some work done alright?”

Joe nodded and went back to cleaning the stalls, while Ben headed to the house to return to his paperwork. He was already rehearsing what he would say to Adam when he got home.

CHAPTER 7

When Adam walked into Doctor Martin’s office he thought he had a specific purpose in mind. But when the Doctor looked up at him his mind went suddenly blank, and he found himself staring at the man, feeling like a fool.

“What can I do for you Adam?” Paul asked him.

Adam faltered, he didn’t know what to say. The Doctor saw in his face, such a look of helplessness and desperation that it caused him to react by gently taking Adam by the arm.

“Come on over here and sit down Adam,” he said guiding him to a chair.

“Can I get you a cup of coffee?”

Adam shook his head, so Paul sat across from him. Tired of the tension Adam held his palms out, “I hurt my hands,” he said matter of factly. Paul took his hands and examined them closely. “Well I guess you did at that,” he said. “Let me get something to put on them.”

Adam let himself breath again when the doctor went out of them room. Paul returned moments later and resumed his seat. He went to work on Adam’s hands, cleaning the cuts out.

“How’d you do this Adam?” he asked without taking his eyes off his work.

Adam didn’t answer and Paul looked up at him. He hadn’t seen Adam in months and now saw the reason for Ben’s concern. He looked very different than Paul remembered. It wasn’t just the pallor of his face, or the loss of weight, it was something in his eyes, he looked almost lost.

Paul put some salve on his patient’s hands and then wrapped them up lightly. He put his things away and sat back to study his patient, then said softly, “Adam you’ve had broken ribs before that didn’t bring you here to see me. You’re not here for a few cuts to your hands, what is it? Why did you come here?”

Now Adam felt trapped, he had the impulse to get up and leave before it was too late, but physically he could not get his legs to move. He sat now staring at the floor, uncomfortable and trying to think of something to say, “I don’t know,” he finally said. “I guess I thought you could help me.”

Paul leaned forward trying to get Adam to look up at him, but he remained sullen with his head down.

“I will Adam, tell me what you need and I’ll do the best I can,” he said quietly.

He surprised Paul by giving a half smile and saying, ” You wouldn’t know a good place with barred windows that you could lock me up in would you?”

Paul sat back and crossed one leg over the other and looked thoughtfully at his young friend for a moment, ” Do you seriously think you’re insane?” he asked him.

The smile faded from Adam’s face and his gaze returned to the floor, “I don’t know” he said in a subdued tone.

“Look Adam, I’ve known you most of your life and I can assure you, you’re not crazy.”

Adam looked him in the eye again as if searching for some truth in his words, then he stood up and walked to the window to stare out at the people walking by.

“Then why do I feel so crazy Paul, so out of control? I feel like everything and everyone is trying to control me and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Paul looked at Adam’s back and wished he knew the right words to assure the young man. The same way he’d wished to assure his father each time Ben came to him looking for answers.

“Look Adam, you’ve obviously suffered a traumatic experience that’s stayed with you. I suspect it will continue to get in the way, so to speak, until you can come to terms with whatever it is.”

“I don’t know how to do that,” Adam quietly answered as if talking to himself, as he toyed with the curtain and watched the people outside and wished he could once again feel like a part of their world.

Paul was wondering if perhaps he could get Adam to tell him something that would be of help to Ben. Something that could perhaps open the door just a bit, “You know Adam,” he said. “Your family has been standing by on pins and needles, desperate to help you somehow, if you could just try to talk to them and tell them what……………..”

“No I can’t,” Adam said abruptly and turned to face him.  “Paul if I told them what happened, what I did…………I just can’t. My father and brothers have a certain image of me if you will and I would destroy that……. I just can’t tell them.”

Paul was determined, “Think about your father Adam, do you really believe anything could change how he feels about you?”

Adam vehemently shook his head, “I can’t Paul because I’m not sure and that’s the agony of it. I want so badly to be able to just tell him everything, but I’m afraid of what it would do to him.”

“Adam, Ben’s a strong man….” Paul began.

“I’m not talking about strength here Paul, I’m talking about how he feels as a father, I don’t want to tell him something that would hurt him, that would cause him to question his ability as a father. I just can’t do that to him.”

Paul rose from his chair and went to stand before Adam, “Don’t you see Adam, that must be how he’s already feeling? You have to tell him what happened to you. No matter how much you’re afraid to, nothing you can tell him would hurt him anymore than he’s hurting now. And you, I don’t believe you could feel any worse then you already do, am I right?”

Adam shrugged with his head down, “I suppose.”

“You’re still not sleeping are you?” Paul asked him already knowing the answer.

Adam shook his head, “I keep thinking I’ll wake up and find myself back up there. That my being home again was all a dream and that I still have to……” Adam’s voice trailed off for a minute and then he spoke up again. “I can’t tell which is reality and which is a dream anymore. I’m not even sure I’m really here talking to you or not. Everything feels like a dream, I feel so detached from everyone and everything. Sometimes I find myself doing something and I can’t remember how I got there. I can’t even apply myself to ordinary tasks anymore because I suddenly forget how or why to do them. I’m telling you Paul I’m going crazy,” Adam insisted.

Paul smiled for the first time, “Look Adam going without sleep will do that to anyone. You need to get some decent sleep and you have got to start eating better, you look like you’ve lost thirty pounds or more.”

“That’s another thing Paul, I just don’t feel hungry anymore, and when I do eat I can’t taste anything anyway.”

“And you know what the answer to all this is as well as I do. You have got to confide in your father, tell him everything.”

“I don’t think I can Paul,” Adam said again.

“Adam you have to, you can’t go on like this. You have to tell him for his sake as well as yours. It’s time to let it go so you can all get on with your lives. I can promise you, you will feel better, and that nothing will change for any of you. You do want to feel better don’t you?”

Adam gave a slight nod, which was a relief to Paul because he’d been a little concerned that Adam’s self-destructive path was intentional.

“I’ll tell you what Adam, I’ll give you something to help you sleep for a couple days if you promise me that you’ll talk to your father okay?”

Adam hesitated, just the thought of telling Ben the details caused him to break out in a cold sweat. But he knew too, that he could not stay at the ranch any longer if he didn’t at least try. “Alright Doc, you have my word,” Adam said not nearly as sure as he sounded.

“Good, that’s wonderful. Now how about that cup of coffee?”

Adam smiled, his first real one since entering the room and actually felt a little better. ” Okay sure,” he said.

He shuddered when Paul left the room though because he knew deep down in his soul, that his life would never be the same after today.

CHAPTER 8

Adam had every intention of going home but first there was something he needed to do. And with that in mind he found himself standing outside the door of the Crawford home. He rapped on the door and waited. The little girl who opened the door smiled at seeing him and Adam relaxed a little. Kids seemed able to see right through his tough exterior.

“Hi Adam,” the girl said happily.

“Well hello, little Miss Emily, is your sister home?”

“I’ll get her,” the child declared and rushed off leaving the door open slightly. Adam heard footsteps and within minutes Maryann was staring at him as if she saw a ghost.

Suddenly self-conscious Adam removed his hat and smiled just a little, “Hello Maryann, I came to apologize for my behavior when you came to see me. I was rude and unkind and I wanted you to know I’m sorry.”

Maryann stood holding the door slightly ajar and studied his face. She’d been rehearsing for weeks what she might say to him if she got the chance, but now seeing him standing before her, all the anger seemed to slip away. “That’s alright Adam, I know you’ve been having a tough time since you got home.”

“That’s no excuse Maryann, there was no reason for me to be cruel to you and I’m truly sorry. I’d like to make it up to you if I could. Will you join me at the picnic after church perhaps?”

Maryann could not resist his smile and she smiled back at him, “Alright Adam, that would be nice.”

“Good, I’ll see you Sunday, I’ll have Hop Sing pack us something special.”

“I’ll see you then, thank you Adam,” Maryann said pleased he’d come. He leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the lips.

“I’ll see you soon,” he said softly and winked at her little sister hiding behind Maryann’s skirts.

He replaced his hat and walked back toward his horse. Maryann watched as he mounted his horse, tipped his hat to her and rode away. He looked worse than the last time she’d seen him, maybe he had been despondent at her absence she thought. Well at least now she could make sure he started feeling better.

Adam was riding past the hotel when he heard someone call his name. It took him several minutes to recognize his old friend from Boston, Josh Anderson. Josh walked to the middle of the street to talk to him.

“Adam, I’ve been hoping to see you, it’s about time, how you been?”

“Josh, it’s good to see you, I’m fine, just fine.”

“Hey listen can I buy you a drink, maybe some dinner?”

Adam glanced up the street, “Oh I don’t know Josh, I should get on home.”

“Look Adam, I was planning on coming out to see you anyway, this will save me a trip. Come on we can catch up while we eat.”

Adam relented and turned his horse toward the hitching rail. He dismounted and turned to his friend, “Alright Josh, let’s go,” he said as the two walked to the Washoe club. They had attended college together, studying the same subject. Adam had heard he was in town but had neglected to take the time to visit. As they seated themselves at a table Adam said, “So what brings you out west Josh?”

“Well I’m on my way to visit my mother in San Francisco, perhaps talk her into coming home with me. She’s been ill a lot lately and has no one else, with my father gone. I think it would be best. I’ve been staying with Cliff and his family for a visit. He’s quite the rancher now isn’t he?” Josh said a hint of amusement in his voice.

“Yeah, he’s doing really well, we may have some competition on our hands if he keeps growing like he is.”

“He’s got a wonderful family too, Jenny is a doll, and he told me you’re his son’s Godfather,” Josh said with a wink.

Adam smiled proudly, he’d not thought of the boy for some time. He’d been very honored when Jenny and Cliff had asked him. He would definitely have to get out and visit them again soon. They ordered their meals and continued their conversation.

“Adam there was something in particular I wanted to discuss with you,” Josh stated.

“Yeah what’s that?” Adam asked now very curious.

“Well as you know I have my contracting business in Boston and I’m doing quite well. Like Cliff my business is growing and growing rapidly, much quicker than I anticipated, to tell you the truth. I have more business coming in than I can handle now and I realized what I need is a partner.”

Adam was studying his drink, his mind having wandered to his imminent talk with his father. He completely missed the implication Josh was making.

“Adam you studied architectural design the same as me and you have the knowledge I need, I could make you an equal partner.”

Adam looked up at him, ” Partner?”

“That’s right Adam, do you realize I made over a hundred thousand dollars last year? The cities are growing like you wouldn’t believe back east, and homes and businesses are cropping up everywhere. People are building homes that reflect their heritage, you have the know how to design those homes Adam, I need your talents, what d’ya say?”

“Josh I don’t know, this is so sudden, out of the blue so to speak. I’d have to give it some thought before I could accept that kind of proposition,” Adam said somewhat flabbergasted

“Of course it is, I realize that. Look do me a favor and think about it. I can stop again on my way back east in two weeks. That’ll give you some time to think it over. I’m telling you though Adam, it’s the chance of a lifetime.”

Adam smiled at his friends persistence, “I’ll think on it Josh I promise, I’ll let you know when I see you again.”

They were interrupted by the arrival of their dinner and each of them went about unrolling their silverware from their napkins. Adam picked at his food and eventually took a small forkful in his mouth.

“How’s the ranch doing Adam?” Josh asked him between hearty bites of roast.

“Oh pretty good, it kind’ve runs in cycles, we have an exceptionally good year and are able to expand a little more, other times we have a bad year and just about break even. You have to go with the flow sometimes, you learn to anticipate the bad spells.”

“Lordy I haven’t slowed down in I don’t know how long, almost five years it seems. I’d almost welcome a bad spell as you call it. It was something of a relief to take this month off and come out here to see my mother. Actually it was Cliff’s idea to ask you about the partnership, although I considered asking him.”

“I would think it would be an excellent opportunity for him,” Adam said.

“Yeah well he’s pretty settled here, and as he pointed out he doesn’t know anything about architecture. Although I was thinking more of having him handling the accounts and such.”

“Yeah I suppose you’re right,” Adam mused.

“Hey you should see the house I built for my family Adam, a work of art if I do say so myself. You could have one just like it within a year Adam, just think of it,” Josh cried enthusiastically.

“Josh I already said I’d think about it,” Adam reminded him. “Besides I’d have to talk it over with my family, I just can’t pack up and leave, I have responsibilities here too you know.”

“Okay, okay, forgive me I can be an impatient man sometimes. But remember those bad years you spoke of? Well your family wouldn’t have to worry anymore if you were in the east. You’d be a lot more help to them if you were working with me.”

Adam smiled, twirling the wine in his glass, “Josh I don’t know if you’ve ever met my father, but there is no way that he would allow me to, shall we say, support him.”

“Well Adam I didn’t mean it like that of course. I just meant you’d be there for them if they needed it.”

“I’m sure you didn’t Josh,” Adam said, reaching for his wallet. “Listen I have got to get home now, what do I owe you for dinner?”

“Never you mind, I’ll take care of it. You just make sure you consider my offer,” Josh said pointing a finger at him Adam tucked the wallet back into his vest pocket and rose to leave.

“I’ll do that Josh,” he said holding out his hand.

They shook hands firmly and Josh said, “Hey listen, you, Cliff, and I will have to get together on my return trip, what d’ya say?”

“That sounds like a good idea, give them my best will ya?”

“You bet I will Adam, I’ll see you in two weeks”

Adam retrieved his hat from the corner of the chair and waved to Josh as he left.

As he rode out of town he pondered this new proposition. Maybe if he took the job, he could make a new start. Maybe he could leave all the pain and confusion behind and start a whole new life. Somewhere where people didn’t know him or expect him to behave in any particular way. Maybe, just maybe, it was the answer he’d been searching for. He suddenly felt better than he had in weeks, free of the weight of concerns. He pressed his heels to his horse and picked up an easy canter home. The breeze on his face made him feel alive and vibrant again. It was a feeling he wanted to hold onto and now he thought he’d found a way to do that.

CHAPTER 9

Ben sat on Adam’s bed holding his mother Elizabeth’s picture. Just being in his son’s room gave him a sense of calm and peace. It was comforting to be surrounded by the things that were his son. Each object was a part of him, even the room itself, was who he was. The bed made perfectly, everything neat and organized, a place for everything and everything in it’s place. The books, the guitar, the feel of the room represented his son’s personality. Being there was like being with Adam, if he touched anything in the room, he touched his son. Maybe not in the physical sense, but in his heart anyway. Adam didn’t seem so lost to him here, and he was able to let his worries about him go just a little. Adam’s pain, was his pain, and his father longed to ease the pain, that seemed to be destroying his son from the inside out.

Ben heard the click of the front door and rose from the bed. He quickly blew out the lantern and headed for the stairs. The hall clock said nearly eleven thirty as he passed it. He breathed a sigh of relief, Adam was home. Adam looked up as his father descended the stairs, not surprised he’d waited up. He took off his gunbelt and set it down with his coat, then hung up his hat.

“Hi Pa, sorry I got back so late. I ran into an old friend of mine from college and he bought me dinner,” Adam explained.

“That’s alright son,” Ben said trying not to sound as if he’d been worried.

Adam suddenly remembered Hoss and the rifle and Joe and the little incident in the barn. He walked to the sofa and sat down at the same time as his father, careful not to sit too close.

“I’m sorry about today, I owe Hoss and Joe an apology too,” Adam stated, the feelings of shame returning to his heart. “Pa since you’re up, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Sure son,” Ben said quickly embarrassed at how eager it sounded, but Adam didn’t appear to notice, “Would you like some coffee or anything?”

“No really Pa, I’m fine,” Adam said.

Ben was nervous about what he thought was about to be discussed and wasn’t quite sure why. He had wanted Adam to open up to him, he could no longer watch his son slowly deteriorate before his eyes.

Adam took a deep breath and began, “Do you remember me telling you about a Josh Anderson from school?”

Ben nodded although he really only vaguely remembered the name. He wondered what this name had to do with what had happened.

“Well he’s the person I had dinner with tonight. See Josh has a contracting business in Boston, a very successful business I might add, and he ……… ”

Ben cut him off before he could finish the sentence, “What has this all got to do with you Adam?”

“Well I’m gonna tell you if you give me chance,” Adam said with an edge to his voice.

Ben sighed. “Alright I’m sorry, I’m listening,” Ben apologized.

“Anyway Josh was telling me he has more business than he can handle right now and he’s looking for someone to help him out, a partner, you know someone who knows the business.”

As Adam was talking Ben realized what he was trying to tell him. “Adam,” he said softly, but Adam rambled on.

“Do you know he made over a hundred thousand dollars last year alone. And he said he’d make me an equal partner. Just think of it Pa, in no time at all, I’d be making more money than I’d ever dreamed of, I could……….”

“Adam!” Ben said again with more insistence.

Adam stopped, he knew his father wasn’t buying any of it without even looking at him.

Ben gently took a hold of his shoulder, “Son, you know as well as I do that being a millionaire has never been an ambition in your life.”

Adam didn’t answer, his father was right.

Ben squeezed his shoulder, “What is this all about?”

Adam abruptly stood up before the fireplace and faced his father, “Pa don’t do this, I’m not a child,” Adam said trying to control his voice. “I just might want a chance at a new life, a chance to use what I learned in college, I can’t stay here the rest of my life.”

“Why?” Ben said simply, but it sounded like a challenge.

“Because Pa, it’s time I moved on and made my own way that’s all.”

“Why,” Ben said again, now standing, his voice rising even more.

Adam was getting angry, and Ben was getting desperate. He knew Adam’s reasons had nothing to do with a job.

“Look Pa, I just want to take the job and move east period,” Adam said declaring it the end of the conversation, but his father was having none of it. He matched Adam’s angry stare with his hands on his hips.

“You’re running away, that’s what you’re doing,” Ben shouted without realizing it.

Adam turned on him angrily, “I am not, that’s ludicrous and you know it,” he shouted back at him and then turned back to the fireplace.

“I don’t know any such thing. You’re running as far away as you can get,” Ben said again, folding his arms across his chest.

“That’s stupid,” Adam said evenly keeping his back to his father.

Neither of them heard the creak of the stairs as Joe emerged from his room, awakened by the shouting. He sat on the top step to listen to them, but the sound of Hoss’ snoring at his back caused him to frown and move down a couple more stairs.

“Is it?” Ben demanded.  “You’ve been destroying yourself slow but sure ever since you got home. You’ve put up a wall so high none of us can reach you anymore. And now you wanna move half way across the country to make sure you shut us out completely. You’re running and you’re running hard because you’re afraid of something.”

“I am not!” Adam insisted without moving from his position. He wished he could somehow disappear in the flames before him.

Suddenly Ben was before him, the piercing eyes boring into him, “Alright Adam, prove it to me. You stand there and tell me what happened to you after you left Eastgate and I’ll believe you,” he said. “If you’re not afraid then there’s nothing stopping you now is there?”

“Fine!” Adam shouted so sharply that Joe jumped, and then he quickly moved down another step.

“You wanna know what happened to me Pa, I’ll tell you. I went to hell Pa, and it was worse than anything I ever imagined. I was robbed by two men who took everything I had and left me out there to die.” Adam shouted as he started pacing the floor, trying to still the trembling that seemed to come from within. All the emotions were right there on the surface and he was afraid of them because he knew if he let them come now, there would be no stopping them. And his inner voice was telling him, ‘ Stay in control, you have to stay in control’.

“I stumbled around up there with no food and water for I don’t know how long, and then the miracle happened. I found Kane, Peter Kane and his mining camp out in the middle of nowhere, just Kane and his mule. He was mining for gold he said, and was close to a strike. But he was willing to help me get back to civilization if I helped him work the mine. So we made a deal, three days of work in exchange for his supplies and company to Signal Rock. He saved my life Pa, I owed the man my life.”

Adam stopped talking and stood silently looking into the flames again. No one moved, Ben didn’t dare for fear Adam would stop talking to him. And Joe still sat at the top of the stairs with his heart pounding so loudly he almost thought they could hear it. When Adam resumed his story his voice was quieter, “I worked that claim Pa, from dawn to dusk, until I started losing track of time. I did whatever he asked because I figured I owed him and because he’d promised we’d leave when the three days were up. And all I cared about was getting to Signal Rock so Joe wouldn’t worry. By the third day I realized the man was unbalanced. He was obsessed with making his strike before we left and I knew I had to leave as soon as I had the chance. So on the third day I informed him I was leaving with or without him, I had to get out of there.” Adam paused for a moment, “When I tried to leave he shot the mule, right before my eyes, he killed it.”

Ben felt a sudden chill go through him as he listened to his son’s story.

“He still hadn’t made his strike so he made me his pack animal. I worked the mine after that, carrying the sacks on my own back, and at night I slept tied to a post because I had tried to escape. For every little offense he took away something that was vital to my survival, half my food and water rations, my comfort, my very freedom. He gained exactly what he needed to control me, and then he started playing crazy mind games with me too. He kept me confined in the mine all day, the air so thick with heat in there sometimes I felt like I was strangling, I couldn’t breathe and by then he wasn’t letting me take breaks anymore,” Adam said feeling the choking sensation as vividly as if he were there again.

Ben put his face in his hands, it was worse than he’d anticipated.

“At one point he told me the food and water had run out but he lied about that. He lied about everything, there was no gold. All that time he kept driving me, pushing me, trying to force me to break, and I didn’t know why. None of it made any sense to me. He said it was a test for survival, he knew I was totally dependent on him and to get out of there I would have to ……..” Adam stopped as if he was suddenly aware that he wasn’t alone. “The last thing I remember is all of you shouting my name and finding myself in your arms. And then you told me he was dead, I’m not sure what happened.”

Ben stood up and put his arms around his son as he had that day. “I’m so sorry son,” he said quietly.

Adam let him, figuring it would make his father feel better. He secretly wanted it to end quickly because it made him feel awkward. This too closeness was what might destroy him. When Ben finally pulled back to look at him Adam said, “Pa, you have to let me go, I need to get away from here.”

“But why Adam, if you just give it a little more time…”

“You all keep saying that and nothing’s changed. I’m not the same person I was before, don’t you understand? I’m not happy here Pa, I feel out of place and I want to go.”

Ben sat back down on the sofa, “I’m sorry son, but I just don’t see how leaving your home and family is going to make things any better.”

Adam sat on the coffee table across from him, “Pa I’m not trying to hurt anyone, especially you. But that’s exactly what my being home has done. You know something, I know I’ve complained once in awhile, but I have always really loved being the oldest brother. I liked being the one to teach them things, and having them follow me around, looking up to me and all. I was the stalwart older brother to them, I had all the answers. But now it wouldn’t be fair to even expect them to look at me that way anymore.”

“But why Adam, what makes you think they would feel any differently?” Ben asked him.

“Let’s just say I found out something about myself,” Adam remarked and dropped his eyes to the floor. “I can’t stay here with things the way they are. I’m not contributing anything to this ranch or this family.”

“That’s not so, ” Ben insisted.

“Yes it is Pa. Look I know you went back through the books and fixed my mistakes, and Hoss has been covering for me too, for the physical side of things that I can’t manage anymore. That isn’t right, and you wouldn’t put up with that for anyone else.”

Ben gave him a sideways glance, “You’re not just anyone, you’re my son.”

“Look Pa, just give me this chance to get my head back together, to take some of the pressure off. Who knows maybe I’ll hate it there and come back any way. And regardless, I’ll be back to visit one way or the other. At least I’ll have tried.”

Ben wasn’t so sure, he had a feeling if Adam went away he would never come back. Against his better judgement he nodded solemnly, he was not going to win this one. He looked up into his son’s eyes, so like his own, and made a decision, “Adam, I’ll be completely honest with you. I don’t want you to go, I don’t think it will change anything. Whatever demons you have to battle will only follow you there. But I do want you to be happy again above all, and if taking this job is what you really want, than you have my blessing.”

Adam released a long breath and looked back at his father with a small smile, “Thanks Pa, that means a lot to me. I’ll tell Hoss and Joe in the morning after I apologize. Josh will be back in two weeks for my answer; that will give me time to get things together.”

“Adam I just have one favor to ask. Would you mind if the boys and I threw you a going away party? It would mean a lot to us,” Ben asked him.

Adam frowned but said, “Nothing too fancy okay? You know how parties embarrass me.”

“I’ll keep it simple, I promise,” Ben said raising his right hand.

“Alright then you can have a party,” Adam said. “Well I’m tired, I better get to bed.”

Neither of them saw Little Joe rise from the stairs and slip back to his bed, his eyes brimming with tears.

CHAPTER 10

By the time Adam woke the next day, everyone had already left to tend to the various ranch chores. After talking with his father, it had taken Adam some time to fall asleep the night before. He still had the sedative the doctor had given him but he hated using the stuff. He was curious that he felt a little better, at least he actually felt hungry. But even though he told his father everything, there was still something that seemed to lay in waiting in his mind. But then he reminded himself that he hadn’t told him everything, and the part he hadn’t told was the most damaging. He wasn’t too concerned with being left behind, it was his week to take care of the barn chores anyway.

He walked into the kitchen nearly colliding with Hop Sing, “Is there anything left to eat Hop Sing?” he asked.

“You wakey too late for bleakfast Mr. Adam, and too soon for lunch,” Hop Sing said irritably.

“That’s okay Hop Sing, I’ll wait for lunch then,” Adam said not wanting to upset him.

“No,no Mr. Adam you sit, I bling food, you too skinny now, I make vely good, you eat,” he said finishing the sentence in Chinese and pushing Adam from the kitchen.

Adam sat at the table, smiling to himself. Hop Sing made a lot of noise sometimes, but he always took care of their needs. Within minutes he put a steaming plate before Adam and patted him on the back saying, “You eat, plenty more, you eat good now.”

And Adam did, he ate two helpings so as not to hurt Hop Sing’s feelings, being sure to thank him. He then went out to do his chores. He walked out to the barn and stood in the doorway to survey what needed to be done. He was grateful the stalls were empty except for his own horse, it made his job easier. He led his horse out to the corral and then set about getting his work done. He’d been working for nearly an hour when he was startled by a noise behind him. He turned around to find Joe standing in the doorway watching him.

“Well what’s this? Have you come to gloat?” Adam asked smiling. Joe didn’t return the smile as usual and Adam saw something unsettling in his eyes.

“Look Joe, I want to apologize for yesterday. I didn’t mean what I said, I’m sorry,” Adam said, watching Joe’s expression, “If you still want to, I’ll take you on that trip like I promised.”

“No you won’t,” Joe said accusingly.

Adam furrowed his eyebrows, “What d’ya mean?”

“You’re gonna go off to Boston and become a big business man and make lots of money. You’ll have a big house and new important friends, we’ll never see you again.”

Adam covered his mouth with his hand and studied his young brother’s face, “Pa told you,” he said as he moved his hand to his chin. It was more of a statement than a question.

“No he didn’t,” Joe said. “I heard you two talking last night. You’re gonna go aren’t you?”

Adam had not expected this confrontation and was taken aback by Joe’s demeanor. It was completely out of character for him to question Adam.

“Joe I just feel…….” Adam began but his brother cut him off.

“No Adam, that’s the problem, you don’t feel anything anymore. Because if you did, you’d realize how selfish you’re being.”

“Now wait a minute Joe, I….” but Joe once again interrupted.

“No you wait a minute Adam. Let me tell you something. When you went away to college, it was real hard for me. I couldn’t understand why you went away, and to school of all places. I was angry at you for a long time, even though I missed you something awful. It was never the same around here with you gone. And when you came back it was like we were whole again, the void was gone. I didn’t understand the reason for your leaving then, but I’m not a kid anymore Adam, and I understand just fine now. And I’m telling you right now, if you go off again, I’ll never forgive you.”

Adam was staring at his brother, he’d never seen him like this before. “What are you saying?”

“Oh come on Adam, you’re not stupid,” Joe retorted.

Adam sat down feeling overcome with weariness. “Joe it would be better for everybody if I went,” he said quietly.

Joe folded his arms across his chest. “No Adam, it would only be better for you. We’d be the ones left with the pain and the guilt. Because if you leave, we’ll know that we failed, that no matter how hard we tried, no matter what we did, it wasn’t enough. We were willing to sacrifice ourselves to help you, but it wasn’t enough. And every time we think about you, that’s what we’ll remember Adam, that we failed.”

The silence that followed was filled with pain, and expectancy. Adam stood up and turned his back, he thought his decision was made. Now he wasn’t sure, the little cuss was right, he wasn’t the only one suffering. Of all the people that could open his eyes for him, the last one he expected was his kid brother. He’d been kidding himself all this time, and he felt mortified.

“You know Adam, I’ve looked up to you my whole life, I spent a lot of time wanting to be like you, now I’m wondering why. Yeah I know I have Hoss, but he ain’t you and he never could be, any more than I could be him, and it was cruel of you to say it.”

“I know Joe, I was upset, I didn’t mean it,” Adam said feeling insignificant in the midst of his brother’s anger. He didn’t bother to turn around, it was hard enough just to listen.

“If you really believe that going to Boston is the answer to your problems. If you think that’s gonna make you happy, then you go ahead, we’ll be just fine without you,” Joe declared angrily.

Adam heard a catch in Joe’s voice and it caused him to turn and look at him. When he did, he saw in his brother, a reflection of himself, it was all a front to cover what he was really feeling. Joe was doing his best to appear as though he was totally in control of his feelings, when in fact he was near the edge.

Adam dropped his eyes, because what he saw in his brother’s eyes was too close to home. How could he have been so blind, how could he not have seen what it was doing to them? When he looked back at Joe he felt a lump form in his throat. He couldn’t hurt him anymore, they’d been through enough. And what he felt at that moment was more than one brother’s love for another, what he felt was paternal feelings for the child he’d helped his father raise. A strong desire to protect him from the grief he saw mingled with tears.

On that impulse Adam held his arms out and said, “Come ‘mere.”

Joe hesitated for just a moment. He was angry and hurt, but he was also weighed down with guilt. He’d been worried for some time that Adam blamed him somehow. But at that moment he knew he’d been wrong. And he quickly moved into his brother’s arms and wrapped his own around Adam’s waist and held on.

“I don’t want you to go,” he said, his voice muffled against Adam’s shirt, and he felt his brother hold on a little tighter.

Adam tried to swallow, and was finding it difficult to see through the tears in his eyes.

“I won’t Joe, I promise. I’ll stay and we’ll be okay, everything’s gonna be alright,” he said as he rested his chin against his brother’s head. He said it as much to assure himself as Joe. And he held on tight to what he now knew was an important part of his salvation.

CHAPTER 11

Sunday after Church services, the Cartwrights joined family and friends for a picnic by the lake. Adam escorted Maryann to his favorite spot and laid a blanket down. Maryann seated herself, with her dress billowed about her, and Adam put the basket beside them. As Adam watched the people gather about picking out spots for their families, Maryann made up a plate for each of them. He watched his brothers set up a horseshoe game, turning when she offered him a plate. He took it from her and smiled his thanks. He was still watching the others as he ate.

“Are you going to play after you eat?” Maryann asked him.

“Oh I don’t know, would you mind if I did?” Adam answered Maryann smiled happily, he was beginning to sound like the old Adam she’d fallen in love with.

“Of course not, I’d enjoy watching.”

Adam gave her an amused grin as he chewed on his fried chicken. She turned away so he wouldn’t see her blushing and took in the beautiful scenery around her. “It is so breathtaking up here, it would be perfect for a wedding ceremony,” she gushed not realizing the implication of her words.

Adam’s eyebrows shot up, “Why Miss Crawford, was that a proposal?”

Maryann covered her mouth and giggled with embarrassment, “I didn’t mean us” she said. “Although I wouldn’t mind getting married in this very spot someday.”

Adam leaned forward and kissed her, “Did you have anyone special in mind then?” he asked teasing her.

She smiled and they kissed again with more intensity. For several minutes they were oblivious to the people and activity around them. When they separated Adam looked into her eyes and traced his fingers from her forehead to her chin and then held his hand there. Maryann felt her heart beating madly in her chest. Then she remembered where they were and embarrassed, she pushed him back gently. “I think we better finish our lunch Mr. Cartwright,” she said with a hint of scolding in her voice.

Adam rested on one elbow, “That’s funny, but I’m suddenly not hungry anymore” he said with a wink.

“Oh really, you could’ve fooled me,” she said playfully pushing him back when he leaned toward her again. To her amusement he growled at her and she laughed with glee.

Joe broke up the moment by plopping himself on their blanket. “What’s so funny?” he asked taking in their expressions.

“One thing little brothers never learn is good timing,” Adam said to Maryann.

Joe ignored his comment and grabbed his arm. “Come on Adam we’re gonna play a game now.”

“The other thing is common courtesy,” Adam added and Maryann smiled and dropped her eyes.

“Alright, I’m coming, I’m coming,” Adam said rolling his eyes at Maryann and attempting to wipe himself off as Joe tugged on his arm. ” I’ll be back,” he said as he sauntered off after his brother.

She watched him go, sighing contentedly. She was thinking how wonderful it was to see him looking happy and healthy again. She saw him approach his father, who put an arm around him and appeared to be saying something very intense to him.

‘Someday Adam,’ she thought, ‘ I will marry you at this very spot.’

The afternoon was lively and fun, as people talked and played games for hours. The most fun was watching Adam and his brothers join the children for a game of blindman’s bluff. Witnessing that exchange made her ponder what a wonderful father he would make someday. Later Adam drove Maryann home in the buggy. She was almost sorry when they reached her house. Adam helped her down and walked her to the door.

“I had a wonderful time today Adam, thank you for inviting me,” she said.

“My pleasure Ma’am, we’ll have to do it again sometime,” Adam said clutching his hat to his chest.

“That would be nice,” she said then dropped her head. “Adam I’m sorry about that little comment I made about the wedding ceremony, I really didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Don’t be, you were right, it is the perfect spot,” he said grinning.

“I’m glad you agree then,” Maryann said. Adam leaned forward to kiss her and as he did, he saw the curtain move out of the corner of his eye. “It’s getting late and I think my father’s waiting. I better get on inside.” Maryann remarked having also seen the curtain move.

Adam kissed her cheek and said, “Alright then goodnight, I’ll see you soon” he promised and walked back to the buggy. He felt really good as he drove home and was smiling without even realizing it. Maybe the worst was over, his troubles might be behind him now. He thought fondly of the look on his father’s face when he’d informed him that he wasn’t going to move to Boston. But despite his good mood, he had a nagging doubt in the back of his mind that wouldn’t leave him. Everyone was still up when he returned home, they all looked up when he came in the door. Ben was standing by the fireplace and Hoss and Joe were engrossed in a game of chess. Hoss had a gleeful grin on his face, confident that he was going to win the game.

Adam joined them sitting on the edge of the sofa. “I had a great time today, even though we lost at horseshoes,” he said looking at his father.

Joe smiled up at him, “Just too much competition for ya, that’s all.”

Hoss laughed, “Yeah maybe Pa and ole Adam ought’a start playing against folks their own age/” he said to Joe

Ben smiled enjoying the good natured teasing.

“Yeah you just wait until next time,” Adam said pointing at Hoss, “You fellas just got lucky today that’s all.”

Hoss and Joe looked at each other and nodded with a touch of sarcasm on their faces. They laughed, and then resumed their game. Adam watched them play, unaware that his father was watching him. Ben was finding Adam’s behavior of the last couple days a hopeful sign. As good as it was to see the change in him, he was curious as to what had brought it about.

Ben was startled out of his reverie by Joe’s shouting, ” Checkmate! Ha I win, I win!”

Ben happened to look at Adam, whose face suddenly clouded with such a look of wrath that Ben was aghast. Then without a word he turned and walked up the stairs.

Hoss and Joe looked to their father, the excitement over the game forgotten, “What happened?” Joe said

“I’m not sure,” Ben answered looking up the stairs with wonder.

“Something sure upset him all of sudden, that’s for sure,” Hoss added. “I don’t understand it, he was so happy today.”

“I don’t either,” Ben agreed. “Well, maybe he’s just overtired, I know I am. With that said I think I’m gonna get some sleep while I can.” He was at the bottom step when he turned back, “We got a full day of work ahead of us tomorrow boys so get to bed at a decent hour,” he warned, then climbed the stairs.

Several hours later, something woke Ben from a sound sleep. It seemed to him that it was something he sensed rather than heard, as he lay listening to the night silence. He didn’t hear anything but still got up from his bed and threw on his robe as he left the room. The floor creaked in the quiet, as he walked up the hall directly toward Adam’s room. It was just light enough to make out familiar objects in the dark. Adam’s door was opened just a crack and Ben pushed it open without hesitation. He was alarmed to find the bed not only empty, but looking as though it had never been slept in. He was about to leave the room when he spotted Adam sitting in a chair near the window.

Ben sighed with relief and moved toward him. He took a chair and set it down near Adam and seated himself. Except for his boots, Adam was completely dressed. He had his legs stretched straight out in front of him. One elbow rested on the arm of the chair, and he had his hand over his mouth. He looked lost in thought as he stared out into the darkness. Ben watched him a minute then softly called his name

“Adam?”

Adam didn’t move and didn’t appear to have heard. Ben was about to say his name again when Adam spoke in an eerie voice, “I killed him Pa.”

Ben felt a chill run up his spine, this was it.

“I didn’t do it for any legitimate reason, it wasn’t self-defense, he didn’t have any weapons or anything. I just did it to get away from him.” Adam looked at his father for the first time, “That’s what I didn’t want to tell you, I couldn’t. I didn’t want you to think you’d failed me as a father. I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.”

“I’m not” Ben said simply.

“No Pa, don’t do that. Don’t smooth this over like it’s nothing. I committed an unforgivable act, I’m no better than dirt. I put my hands around his throat and squeezed the life out of him. Don’t sit there and tell me it doesn’t matter, that it doesn’t change anything. Not after what I just told you.”

“From what you told me before, you had no choice,” Ben said quietly.

“Are you telling me now that it’s alright to take another life over mere words?” Adam asked him.

Ben did not flinch, “Adam, you know better than anyone that it was much more than that.”

Adam stared at his father then stood up nearly knocking the chair over. “No, it goes against everything you’ve ever tried to instill in us, I disregarded everything you ever taught me, don’t you see that?” he exclaimed his voice rising.

Ben got up from his chair and went to stand beside his son putting an arm around his shoulders. “Adam, maybe what I didn’t tell you, what I hadn’t realized, was that there is perhaps more than one kind of self-defense”

Adam shook his head, he was trembling and could feel the wave coming. He had a terrible headache and the unmistakable ringing in his ears was getting unbearable, “You’re trying to rationalize a way out. I don’t want you to, I have to take responsibility for what I did.”

Ben took his arm and gave a gentle tug, “Come sit down Son,” he said pulling him toward the bed. Adam did as he was told, his resistance fading away. Ben knew that touch was the only thing that might reach him now, so he kept his arm on him as they sat down.

Adam put his hands over his eyes and rubbed his face roughly while his father spoke to him. “Think about this Adam, what would’ve happened if you hadn’t gotten away from him. If you did kill him, remember you said you couldn’t remember, but if you did, what other option did you have? Was staying up there with him an option, was there any other way out?”

“I don’t know, I just don’t know,” Adam cried running his hands through his hair with anxiety, he couldn’t stop the raging emotions on their way out.

“All you did was survive,” Ben said. “I’m sorry son, but I can’t be anything but happy about that. You simply survived, when are you going to stop punishing yourself for that?”

Adam couldn’t answer, he didn’t know what to say, “I don’t know, I’m just………. I’m just so tired”

Ben moved his hand to the back of Adam’s neck, “I know you are Son. But all you have to do is forgive yourself, I already have.”

Adam sat up straighter and looked into his father’s eyes. Where was the contempt, outrage, and disappointment he’d expected to see? As if reading his mind Ben said, “Adam, even if you told me you’d put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, it wouldn’t change anything. I’m your father and my love is unconditional, no matter what, I’m here for you.”

Adam made a sound in his throat and Ben watched the wall begin to crumble before his eyes as Adam fell into his arms. He didn’t cry but only seemed to collapse there, until Ben said, “Son I wouldn’t care if you were the worst outlaw in the country, I’d still love you just as much as I always have.”

The dam broke then and Adam felt himself plunge into the abyss. All the pain poured out in a flood of emotions that he feared he would not be able to stop. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it, I’m so sorry,” he choked out, clinging to the only thing he was sure of, his father.

“I know Son,” Ben said holding him closer, there wasn’t anything else to do for the moment. Ben was battling to keep his own emotions in check, the devastation he was experiencing through his son left him overwrought. Even though he knew it was an experience that would change them both. Through the tears and feelings of drowning, Adam would call out “Pa” and nothing more. But his father knew it meant so much more. Each time he heard his name, it was as if someone was gripping his heart and squeezing. It took a long time for the outburst to wane, but even when it did, Adam didn’t move. It took awhile longer for him to get his breathing under control again. Once he felt calm, the exhaustion seemed to be too much for him.

When he was sure Adam had calmed down Ben pulled away far enough to catch his eye. “You alright?” he said gently Adam nodded sheepishly, afraid to speak. He felt a sense of relief that the overwhelming torrent had stopped. But the after effects made him feel weak as a kitten, drained to the very core.

“You think you can try to get some sleep now?” Ben asked him Adam nodded again and Ben turned around to prop up some pillows and pull the quilt down. Adam climbed onto the bed and tried to make himself comfortable. He didn’t lie down but instead sat against the pillows.

Ben was looking at him, unsure if the worst was over.

“Can you stay just a few minutes more?” Adam asked him, confirming Ben’s suspicions. He did not feel steady enough to separate from his father just yet.

“Sure,” Ben said soothingly and sat next to him, once again putting an arm around his shoulder. Neither of them said anything, Ben instinctively knew this was a time to just be there for him. He put his head back against the pillows and closed his eyes. He could feel himself drifting off, and hoped Adam would do the same.

“I heard you” Adam stated breaking the silence.

Ben blinked his eyes open and lifted his head to look at Adam, “What did you say?” he asked

“When I was up there with Kane, I heard you calling me,” Adam said quietly without lifting his head.

It took Ben only a moment to assimilate what he’d said. “Why didn’t you answer then?” he said, a puzzled expression on his face.

Adam bit his lip painfully, he hadn’t intended to tell Ben about it, it somehow had come out. “I tried, I suppose I was so weak by then you wouldn’t have heard me if I did call out to you. So I figured if I could get up high enough I might be able to spot you, and maybe you in turn would see me. Anyway I was trying to climb up to where I could catch sight of you but he grabbed me and pulled me down.”

Ben felt his heart fill with renewed rage for this man that had nearly destroyed his son.

“I guess I was so debilitated by then, I must’ve passed out. When I came to……….” There was a sudden catch in his voice and Ben gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze, “When I came to I couldn’t hear you anymore. So I figured you’d given up the search and gone home. That’s when I gave up too.”

Ben’s distress at his words was obvious as he pulled him to his shoulder, “Never Adam, I would never give up on you. Never!” he said with certainty.

Dawn was beginning to break when Ben detected a change in Adam’s breathing and he knew that he was finally asleep. He reluctantly pulled his arm free and Adam stirred. Not fully awake he rolled over onto his stomach and went right back to sleep. Without fear, without the nightmares, he was finally at peace with himself. And his father too felt the sense of peace wash over him. He felt as if they had both emerged stronger, he had not lost his son after all. He sat looking down at him, relishing this closeness that had been so rare in the past, and did not want to leave him.

He touched his head and rubbed his back murmuring “You sleep now Son, it’s all over. I promise you, no one is ever going to hurt you like that again,” and he leaned down to kiss his son’s forehead, then quietly left him. Knowing it would be a long time before he woke. He had an awful lot of catching up to do.

THE END 

Hey All – it’s been years since I’ve written any new fanfic stories but I wanted to thank you all for the really nice compliments I’ve received about my stories. The first one I wrote when I was fourteen called The Ties that Bind, once I finished that I couldn’t seem to stop writing them. I’m glad I reached a point in life where I was able to share them and that people enjoy them.

Sorry it took so long to respond to your comments, nowadays life gets in the way.

November, 2017